I don’t usually write New Year’s resolutions. I had gotten lunch with Mistress Blunt on NYE while she was visiting from New York, and she asked me if I had any. I told her, half-jokingingly, “I don’t make New Year’s resolutions because I have problems listening to any sources of authority, including myself.”
It’s true. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ My problems with authority run way too deep, y’all. Why do you think I’m a Dominatrix?
With that in mind, perhaps I shouldn’t have titled this using the word “Resolutions”. Instead, let’s call them “intentions”, “summonings”, or whatever neo-Paganistic-spiritual-self-help-crystal-healing terms you want to apply here.
In whatever case, here are the kinky things I fully plan on manifesting in my life in 2020, the year of your goddamned Daddy.
More heavy corporal punishment sessions. I’ve been itching for a good, classical domination session involving nothing more than the severe physical punishment of a willing and consensually non-consenting party. In particular, I want more JUDICIAL CANING! Some of you might know that I have an excellent caning arm. Being so accurate with a rattan stick is a source of great pride and joy for me. (It’s always the little things in life, isn’t it?) In fact, Mistress Servalan has generously written about my caning skills, and it makes me blush every time I read it. I am blushing right now, in fact. I just love hitting people with sticks so, so, so very much, and it brings a tear to my eye when other people recognize that. :’) In fact, let’s just say more heavy CP sessions in general. I’ve been craving a session consisting entirely and only of paddling (wooden paddles, please). And I always adore a good single tail practice.
Even more women/trans/nonbinary/QTPOC subbies! 2019 was the year I was blessed with the presence of all these delightful queerdos during playtime, and I’m hungry for more! Also, boobies and booties.
Heavy medical play. This was my first fetish, but I really neglected it last year as 2019 seemed to be my year of heavy ballbusting and CBT (not that I have any complaints there). This is the year I want to do more saline inflations (I’m also manifesting IV bags of saline because this saline shortage is really a fiasco), suturing and scalpel play, loads of Foley catheters and speculums, and a gyno chair of my own 💕 (at only €3500, it’s a bargain…)
Serious sissies and crossdressers. I went through a phase where I was turned off from sissies and crossdressers, but I met a couple of really great ones this year and have turned a page on my previous biases. This year, I want to do even more makeovers and put all my makeup artistry skills to work!
More Skype sessions. Because I’m lazy and don’t want to leave the house, and also because I think there is something oh-so-magical about the postmodernity of using the internet to make someone punch their own balls or drink their own piss.
And on the more superficial side…
Everything from Mr. S Leather. I’m on my way there, but you could help with that, too. 😉 Help me build my bondage empire!
More money! 2019 was one of my best years thus far, both personally and financially. While I have very strong feelings about capitalism, it’s also nice to have the money validate all my hard work and passion. :’)
More boots! Y’all got me some pretty excellent boots this year, but a Daddy can never have enough.
More leather! Because, duh.
Work/life balance. While not the sexiest thing to write about, my work has consumed me with a fury for the past six years. I’ve reached a point where I can allow myself to coast for a little bit, but I want to do so in the most pragmatic way possible so that I can both coast and still be a rich bitch. Where is the balance? I’ve yet to find it, but perhaps this will be the year to do so (I think it has something to do with scheduling and batching).
Genuine connections. Some of this purely means that I will be necessarily cutting down on the types of sessions that are not applicable to me, purely because we won’t be able to connect if I’m not into the scene at hand. And while that may hurt in the short run, I value my energy and integrity enough to know that this is the best choice for me in this point in time. Some of you may have noticed that I am become more pointed in my marketing – and this is for good reason. I want to attract those that really mesh well with me.
Videos that are meaningful to me. Now, I’m not saying that porn has to necessarily have depth or a greater cause. I’m just saying that I want to make more stuff that I can personally jerk off to, lol.
2019 was really a wonderful year for me. Post-FOSTA/SESTA, 2018 was the year I scrambled to change my advertising strategy on top of a lot of big personal life changes. I spent a lot of the year wondering if I could be a ProDomme for as long as I wanted to be one, or if I should call it quits and find a job in the vanilla world. I stuck to my plan, hoping that things would work out. 2019 was the year it really paid off.
I’ve met some truly wonderful subbies this year that make me feel damned blessed to be a Mistress, I’ve played with bodies of all shapes and sizes, I’ve made new friends in both Dominance and submission, and I bought a fuckton of bondage gear. The number of ballbusting, CBT, and heavy bondage sessions I’ve done in 2019 has shot through the roof. And I finally feel quite secure in who I am as a Mistress (because imposter syndrome is too real). Domme life has been pretty swell.
So for 2020, I want to do better. I know I can do better. And I’m excited for all the big things to come!
And here’s to all you sick fucks with your perverted resolutions as well. May all your fucked up dreams come true! 💕
PS: Photo of me fresh and new for the New Year by David Zayas Jr.
So you’ve decided to finally see a Dominatrix for the first time ever! Congratulations. You are undoubtedly very nervous and probably full of questions. In order to make the transition from vanilla to kinky pervert all the smoother for you, you probably want to read this.
I see a lot of novices. In fact, on any given month, I estimate that at least 20% of my clients are brand spankin’ new – meaning I am their first professional BDSM experience. I’ve occasionally had months where more than 70% of my clients are new. I attribute it to my very strong social media presence (particularly Instagram).
My definition of a novice within professional Femdom varies, but for the most part, I define a novice as someone with five or less hours of professional experiences under their belt. It’s an arbitrary designation, but it’s what I’ve set it to, so there’s that.
And because I see so many novices and get so many of the same questions and pleas of reassurance, here is a handy dandy guide to give you an idea of all the ins and outs of a ProDomme session, including how to book, red flags and green flags, what to expect, what to prepare for, and how to take care of yourself afterwards, in relative chronological order.
This knowledge, of course, comes from my end as the professional Mistress, but also from years of talking to my subs about what they wish they did and didn’t do. Obviously all opinions should be taken with a grain of salt, but I’m also of the belief that I usually have some pretty solid advice in regards to BDSM life coaching (probably because I’ve read so many self help books).
How to pick a Dominatrix
With the advent of the internet and social media, this may seem immensely overwhelming. Dommes are a dime a dozen on Twitter, and kinky dating apps are overflowing with fakes who try to shill you out of “deposits” or “slave contracts”. With that in mind, the very first piece of advice I have for you is to take your time in booking. Just because a woman is hot does NOT mean she is a good Domme, nor is she even real.
I highly suggest booking with an experienced and legitimate Domme for your first professional session to safeguard you from bad experiences. I’ve met one too many subs who held off on sessioning because their first session was with a Domme who didn’t know what she was doing nor did she care about the sub. This can lead to lukewarm experiences at best, and at worst, severe bodily danger. Do not hire a professional who is not a professional. Simple.
Your first professional session will probably be meaningful and memorable to you. Choose somebody who understands that and who has both the experience and the passion to guide you along.
So how do you know if she’s experienced and legitimate? Take a look at her website. Does she even have a website? That should be your first indicator to whether someone is real. Nearly all legitimate Dommes have a website because it is typically the first source of contact and information about us. Read through her website. Read through as much as possible before corresponding with her. Her website is there for a reason – to give the viewer an understanding of what she is capable of. Get an idea of who she is and how she presents herself online. Does she sound like she knows what she’s talking about? Does she have photos or videos of herself in fetish gear? Does she talk about or have pictures of BDSM equipment (or at least the ones you are interested in)? A legitimate ProDomme will certainly have a wide variety of outfits and toys to accommodate nearly any scene. These items are inevitably quite expensive (I have personally spent tens of thousands on my repertoire of implements and outfits), but a necessary investment if one is to be a serious BDSM professional.
Also just as important (although less applicable to an older school of professional Femdom): does she have an active social media presence where she interacts with other professionals? Those of us that do this for the long run usually love our community and try to stay as current in it as possible. Seeing how she talks shop with other professionals online can provide you with invaluable insight of her perspective on BDSM.
Once you’ve verified the legitimacy of the ProDomme, it’s time to gauge compatibility. For example, if you want a sensual tease and denial session, a Dominatrix who presents herself as a pure spanko/disciplinarian, dresses up only in button-up blouses and business casual, and specifically says that she only likes corporal punishment sessions may not be the right fit for you. Make sure your interests align with hers. Just because she’s attractive does not necessarily mean she is the right one for you.
If you know what your specific interests are, here is where you can really start whittling down to a couple of Dommes. A thorough read of her website and perhaps her clips store (if she has one) should give you a pretty clear idea of what she likes. Perhaps you like ballbusting. Does she do a lot of videos involving the punching of balls? Or maybe you like toilet play. Does she talk about toilet play on her website or in her social media? Maybe you want someone strict and severe. Does she wax poetic about such related activities as POW play and slave training? You get the idea. If you like something, look for it on her website and social media. Session compatibility entails that the Mistress have the skills, equipment, and persona compatible to your personal fantasies.
If you don’t see your fetish on her site but still want to session with her, don’t be afraid to ask her whether she caters to that fetish when submitting your session application. Because BDSM is so vast, oftentimes we overlook activities and forget to mention them online. Other times, Mistresses want to try something new and different to their usual routine. As long as it’s not in her hard limits, it doesn’t hurt to ask.
Social media is an excellent way of getting an idea of a Domme’s personality. Not everyone is a writer and sometimes websites can feel staid, but social media (Twitter, particularly) is a much more casual insight into how a Mistress interacts with others. Do you like her energy? Does she say things that resonate with you? One important note, however, is that social media is not a session – so do not expect to write an annoying message to a Mistress asking her what she will do to you and expecting her to respond back seriously. If you’re not paying her for her services, do not expect a professional-grade response.
Sometimes you don’t know what you like yet, and that’s ok. Perhaps you just want to try something new over the humdrum of vanilla sex. Or maybe you know you like the woman being in charge, and that’s it. It’s important to say that to the Mistress in question while also mentioning all the experiences that brought you up to this point. She will probably ask whatever pertinent questions as a follow-up to gauge what direction she’ll take you in. This is where seeing a verified professional becomes very helpful – someone with a lot of experience will have more insight into what you may like and can guide your experience in a safe and intuitive manner.
If you’re still unsure of your compatibility with the Mistress after going through her website, social media, and clips store, go ahead and give her a paid call, text, or book a consultation if she offers them. These options are often much more economical than an actual session. For the more nervous types, I find that any of these options help soothe any anxieties before a realtime experience. Because these pre-session chats are not sessions, they will be low pressure and a bit more laid back. You’ll have a chance to talk candidly about your background and in turn, she can talk about what she can offer you in session. Use it as a chance to see if your interests and personality are aligned with the prospective Mistress’.
How to book with a Professional BDSM Mistress
You’ve finally narrowed it down to one or two (or maybe three) Mistresses that you want to session with. Great! That wasn’t so hard, was it? Now it’s time to finally take the next big step and book the damned session.
First off, have you read her website? I mean this truly and seriously: have you read her website? Have you read her FAQ? Have you read her interests? Have you read her hard limits? Have you read all the possible pertinent information about booking a session that you possibly can?
If you have, go ahead and book. If you haven’t, the likelihood is high that she (or I) will ignore you. It’s usually all too clear when somebody has not done their due diligence and has just filled out a contact form with zero knowledge of what they are going into. The information is on the website for a reason, and to not read it also entails that the Mistress will have to repeat numerous details that have already been established. That’s annoying. You don’t want to be annoying, do you? Because being annoying means not getting a session. And if you’ve made it this far, you probably want that session.
If she has a contact form, fill it out clearly, succinctly, and with detail. Do not input one-word responses that show zero effort – if you put in zero effort, the ProDomme will also want to put in zero effort. Thought and consideration make applicants stand out, and I guarantee you that you will want to stand out if it is a Domme who is in demand. I personally turn away at least 50% of applicants because they have not given my very thorough form any thought. I’m sure some of these applicants could have been a fun time, but crappy first impressions are major boner killers. You want me to have a boner, don’t you?
Contact forms are easy. All you have to do is fill them out. Really! Treat it like a job application. Try to impress the Dominatrix. Be on your best behavior. Be courteous, polite, and give as much info on yourself as reasonably possible. You don’t need to write a novel about yourself (in fact, if someone wrote a novel about themselves in my contact form, I would ignore the application and mark the applicant off as a narcissist), but you do need to give insight to who you are and why you are booking the session.
If your session interests are complex in nature, I highly recommend noting all of this thoroughly in your initial correspondence. If they are particularly long (nearing novella length), I suggest sending a small tribute as a thank you for reading or scheduling a consultation or phone call so that the time the Mistress spends on preparing for your session is compensated. While all sessions require some amount of preparation and clean up before and after, a complex session requires even more thought and effort upfront, and a thank you gift can help to highlight that. Do not go into the session and expect to drop all of your interests on the Mistress without a thorough introduction beforehand. This will not bode well for you as she may have prepared for a different scene and may not have the appropriate tools or outfits at hand.
If she uses an email address to book, do the same thing. Give as much information on who you are and what you are looking for as possible. Give your available times and dates. Tell her how long of a session you are looking for (“for life” is not an answer, jackasses). The session itself is an appointment like any other – doctor, hairstylist, massage – and the BDSM professional will need all pertinent logistical information to book. The less correspondence she has to do with you, the easier it is for both of you to book the session, so present all necessary logistical information immediately.
If she asks specific questions out of you, answer them. It’s a very straightforward process. Chances are that the Mistress has done this thousands of times already and knows exactly what she needs to ask and what information she needs to have. Go ahead and answer them truthfully. Don’t omit information just because you feel embarrassed about it. If you’re embarrassed about your needs and desires, I guarantee that they will never be met and fulfilled. The more insight we have on you, the better the session will be. I promise!
Many professional Dominatrices require deposits to secure a session. If she requires one, then expect to send one. There are many ways to send deposits without a paper trail, if privacy and discretion are a large concern for you. If you can’t agree on a means of deposit, then you probably will not be able to session with a Mistress that requires one… and that’s life! If you really want to session with her, I’m sure you can find a way.
With that in mind, scammers and impersonators are very common on the internet. To ensure that you are sending a deposit to the real Mistress, only contact her through all her official channels – namely, her website and any other methods listed on her website. For me, that would be Niteflirt and SextPanther, as well as occasionally through my clips sites and social media.
Before the BDSM Session
Treat the session like you are going to work, or maybe more like you are going on vacation. I say both because first impressions matter, but also your personal schedule should be sorted out before heading out to have fun.
If she has a confirmation procedure, be sure to follow that procedure to a T. I personally have a multistep, multi-day procedure that starts from the moment the session is put in my calendar up until the actual session itself. My procedure is put in place for a reason. It works splendidly, so it’s best to follow it rather than assuming the session will happen just because you sent in a deposit.
If you are the forgetful type, put the session and all the confirmation steps in your calendar, for chrissakes. You’ve made it this far – you don’t want to fudge it up just because you forgot to call in, right?
The night before the session, try to get a good night’s sleep. Sleep is one of the pillars of health, and if you’re out of it the day of, it’ll make everything else a lot more difficult – from having your hands tied up to taking more extreme sensations. You want to be cogent for your session. I know that your nerves will probably keep you up for a bit, but do your best to be as energized and relaxed as possible for playtime. You want to make the most of it.
On the day of, make sure you’re clean. I can’t believe I have to say this, but please arrive clean. Dominatrices will touch you and get all up in your personal space, so unless you want a session where you’re locked in a cage and ignored for three hours, take a shower before the session. Stinky slaves are gross. I have personally made people shower before their session because of a lack of personal hygiene, and I can assure you that the time spent doing your courteous ablutions will cut into your precious session time.
If you know that you don’t have time to clean yourself up before the session, ask the Mistress in advance if you can arrive a couple minutes early to take a shower. I’ve had many clients come straight to the dungeon after a long flight or after work, and as long as they let me know ahead of time, I’m more than happy to accommodate that.
Make sure you eat a little bit before your first session. You don’t need a full meal, but you do need to make sure your blood sugar levels are stable. Fainting in the middle of play is not fun, and especially since it is your first time, you probably will have no idea how your body will react to certain activities. It’s best to start the session in a stable sort of way, and nourishing your body is one of the best ways of doing that. If you haven’t had time to eat, consider bringing an energy bar or any kind of easy calories to the studio.
If you’re into anal play, I suggest learning how to do enemas. There is a lot of trial and error in this, so don’t worry about getting it right the first time…but at least make the effort.
If you’re into heavy bondage or pain play, I highly suggest stretching before the session. Cramps are no bueno.
Each session has its own nuances, and with time, you will learn what you need to personally do to prepare for the session. Your Mistress may give you instructions on this as well, and if she does, it’s best to follow them for your own good.
Oh also, don’t arrive drunk, wasted, or high until the point of sloppiness. While I know quite a few subs that do this (and am not particularly pleased about it), I am personally of the belief that your first professional Domination experience should be done sober. For one, you’ll better understand your own limits and capabilities as a bottom/submissive/slave/fetishist/whatever. For another, sobriety creates a consistency in your actions that makes it easier for the Top to read you. Unless your interest is specifically forced intoxication, sobriety should be the standard within most BDSM interactions. A small drink or toke to quell your nerves is fine, but enough to the point of slurring and falling makes the whole interaction consensually dubious.
Arrive at the location a couple minutes early. Leave some time to find the space, park (if you drove), and walk up the building. If you’re exceptionally early, let the Mistress know (and do not just knock on the door just because you’re early). If she’s ready, she may let you in early. If not, she will tell you to wait until she’s done getting ready. Do not assume that just because you are already there, she’s already ready. A good session requires preparation. Give her some notice.
What to expect during a ProDomme session
And you’re here! You’re finally here! You’ve researched your Mistress, succeeded in contacting her, sending a deposit, booking the session, confirming, and now you’re finally here!
You’re probably a bundle of nerves, and that’s ok. Your Mistress can probably tell (because pretty much all novices are nervous). It’s normal to be nervous. In fact, that means that you’re excited for the experience – and that’s good! Plus, sometimes anxious people are fun to scare…
You’re probably wondering how the session will start off. Will she open the door, grab you by the collar, drag you in, rip off your clothes, and just start beating you?
While that’s fun in fetish porn, I can tell you with full assurance that this will not happen with any reputable Domme. Your very first session with a Mistress means that both of you need to feel each other out. Most sessions begin with bringing the client into the dungeon, directing where to put the remaining tribute (if done in cash), and sitting the client down for a brief consultation. The session begins only after all of this is done.
While you may have answered a lot of questions online, there may have been certain subjects omitted or new questions that may arise on the Domme’s part after a second reading of your session application. This is the time when those questions will be asked and answered. I personally like to go over the client’s interests and hard limits again in person because I find that I can read a lot from someone’s body language while they are talking about their interests or background. An in-person consultation is invaluable to me as it can provide a lot of insight towards how someone truly feels about something – whereas most people are not that revealing when writing something down.
I also use this time to field any questions the client may have about me or the session. Remember: this is your experience. Feel free to ask whatever you need to have the fullest experience possible. And don’t worry about trying to act in a certain slave-like way if that’s not you. Be yourself.
This time usually does count towards the total session time, so while you may want to talk at length, keep that in mind. Most studios are rented by the hour, and frequently Dommes will have sessions before and after you, which means that the total length of interaction you have with the Dominatrix will be constrained to that time. Some people do want to just chat for the majority of the session time because they need time to get in the headspace, and that’s ok as well. Just be sure to consider that aspect about yourself when deciding how long of a session you want. (I’ve had people book two hours with the explicit understanding that we would be leisurely chatting while they had a glass of wine for the first hour.)
And of course, be polite. Although you may have already jerked off to this woman numerous times online, this does not give you permission to touch her inappropriately or call her “babe”. The Mistress will probably swiftly correct you if you step out of line. It’s best if you act like a good bitch from the very beginning. If you have any questions about how you should be behaving, just ask. Consent is the basis of all good BDSM relationships. Some Mistresses allow more touching than others. Some don’t mind if you call them pet names. Just ask.
Once the consultation is done, the Mistress will probably make it very clear that the actual playtime is beginning. She may ask if you need to use the restroom or have a glass of water before the session. Afterwards, you will more than likely end up fully undressing (contingent on the session), you will be given the safeword and/or further instructions, and the session will begin.
All well-equipped studios will come equipped with showers, restrooms, and water.
During the session, feel free to vocalize yourself. Be expressive. The people who are the most fun to play with are the most expressive ones – they’re easier to read and to banter with. Moan, squirm, make funny noises, let go! I liken subs who aren’t expressive to pet rocks – playing with a rock is just never going to be all that fun. Don’t be afraid to communicate! It makes it all the more entertaining for both parties at hand. After all, you’re probably exploring Femdom to explore another side of you. Don’t be afraid to let go and make the most of it!
And if you feel uncomfortable (in an unsexy way) during the session, make sure the Mistress knows. This could mean that your limbs are going numb, something is poking you in not-the-right place, or that something was done that ends up hurting you unproductively. There are loads of times where you will be intentionally uncomfortable throughout the session (like getting punched in the balls, if that’s your thing), but anything that seems unintentionally uncomfortable (like pulling a muscle) should be voiced immediately. While we are very good at reading subbies, we are not actual mindreaders. Don’t be afraid to use your safeword in its intended use!
At the end of the session, it will probably be wrapped up with some amount of aftercare. I personally enjoy talking about the session once it’s over. Many subs may feel overwhelmed (ideally in a good way) after the session and may find it hard to verbalize what they’re feeling. That’s perfectly fine! You’ve had a very intense experience and need time to recuperate and wind down. Because this so often happens, I like cleaning up the equipment and toys with the client afterwards. It is a shared activity for us to do to cleanly wrap up the session while giving the bottom time to process what just happened. It’s low pressure, casual, and a way for us to connect as people. I may offer a shower (if it’s a messy sort of session) or water once everything is finished. And finally, I like to hug all my clients before sending them on their merry, newly kinked-out way.
Of course, that’s just how I like to wrap things up. Other Dominatrices may do things differently.
After your first Female Domination session
You’ll probably be feeling a bit high or out of it after your first session. That’s perfectly normal. It’s the subspace wearing off, and you’ll want to taper back to reality comfortably. Part of why I like to chat and clean at the end of the session is to help ease that transition, but you may still be feeling it a bit as you head out the door.
If possible, try to take some time out for yourself right after the session. Give yourself space to process – if that means taking a walk, getting a drink, eating some food, or whatever it takes. The primary studio I work out of is directly adjacent to many restaurants and bars, and I have a lot of clients who like to walk over to one post-session get a glass of wine and decompress. I also have a lot of clients who make sure that they don’t need to immediately go back to work after a session because they find it harder to focus afterwards. The most ideal situation is to give yourself time to decompress right after.
If you are feeling lightheaded, please do not drive after the session. Get some food and water in yourself and wait until you’re feeling a bit more stable.
I personally love to hear back from my clients after their sessions with me, whether they’re novices or veterans. If your Mistress allows for it, email her back with some of your thoughts on the session. Most of us really enjoy this as it gives us notes on what to improve on and what we did well. Furthermore, it can be incredibly validating for us to hear about the impact we made on someone. The experience of the session is oftentimes powerful for both the Mistress and the slave.
Writing back to your Mistress isn’t just for her, however (even though I do love making everything about me). Writing can be a great way for you to organize your own thoughts about the session. What do you want to explore more of? What did you think you would like but ended up not liking in playtime? What surprised you? What did you learn about yourself?
All of these thoughts usually take a couple of days to percolate, so don’t worry about getting back to her immediately after. Sit with your thoughts for a couple of days and reflect on it. You may find that what you felt immediately after the session is far different a week later, usually for the better.
Take your time and research before booking. Don’t go for the first hot person you see.
Go to a legitimate Domme for your first session.
Look at her website. Seriously, look at her website.
Gauge your compatibility to the Dominatrix via her website, social media, and clips.
If you’re unsure about the Mistress, contact her through her paid lines (Niteflirt, SextPanther, whatever she uses) or schedule a consultation to see if you mesh well with her.
Treat your first correspondence with her like a job application – be that through her contact form, email, or whatever application process she uses.
Sometimes you don’t know what you like yet, and that’s ok. Be honest and truthful about your background that brought you to her so she can guide you along.
Follow her confirmation procedure, if she has one. It should be pretty straightforward.
Get some sleep the night before.
Make sure you eat a little bit before the session to keep your blood sugar levels stable.
Be in a stable mindset when you arrive – don’t arrive inebriated. A small drink is fine. A sloppy drink is not.
Get to the location a couple minutes early. Do not enter the premises without her permission.
The session will not begin the moment she opens the door (especially for your first session ever). She will usually conduct an in-person consultation before any play starts.
Be polite. This is someone you have just met, therefore treat them like someone you just met. Ask before touching or calling her a certain nickname. You may be participating in intimate activities, but you are still getting to know each other. Get consent before assuming.
Be expressive! Communicate your needs!
Don’t be afraid to use the safeword appropriately.
If possible, give yourself time to process and come down from subspace. Eating a meal, getting a drink, or taking a walk afterwards is always a nice option.
If your Mistress allows it, email her back with your thoughts on the session once you’ve had a decent amount of time to digest what has just happened. It’s a great way for the Mistress to feel good about what she does, and an excellent way for you to figure out what you are looking for in BDSM.
And that’s it! It may all seem oh-so-very overwhelming at first, but thousands (millions???) of slaves, subs, bottoms, masochists, fetishists, and curious perverts have done it before you, and thousands (millions???) of them will do it after you. Once you get your first BDSM Domination session out of the way, your second session will be far less daunting.
You may never get rid of the nervousness of meeting a new Domme for the first time, and that’s ok. But at least you’ll have an idea of what you’re walking into now.
And with that said, I wish you luck on your first kinky adventure, perverts!
I will be attending the Chi Temple Christmas Play Party as a guest Mistress! I love the play parties at the Chi temple and am excited to be back. It’s a beautifully well-equipped space with an on-point aesthetic (anything Asian is my jam). And of course, all the Mistresses are stellar, if you have any experience with playing with them. I’m excited to join and would love to invite you to the party.
With that in mind, here is the advertising copy for the event. 😉
Come join the holiday festivities with the Mistresses of the Chi Temple & Friends to celebrate, socialize and play at our Xmas Social Play Party! There will be drinks, hors d’oeuvres, and of course, some debaucherous fun!
Mistresses of the Chi Temple: Damiana Chi, Jezebel Chi, Georgia Payne, Princess Marx, Inga Larsson, Bridget Wylde & Bettie Bondage
Special Guest Mistresses: Lucy Khan, An Li (yours truly!), Kiko Rope & Aine Patrick
Plus Xmas elves: Roxy and Penny
When & Where: Saturday, December 14, 6-10PM The Chi Temple, Arts District DTLA
Admission: $400 (pre-registered only), includes 4 play tickets, each worth 20 minutes of playtime (40 minutes max per Mistress). Additional tickets may be purchased at the party for $100 each.
Socialize, enjoy the party and choose to play as much or as little as you like. You are responsible for presenting play tickets to the Mistresses to request playtime.
This special party is an intimate gathering of selected guests. A limited number of guests will be accepted. Reply to this via my contact formASAP to pre-register!
A note from Daddy: This party is only open to *established clients*. First-time clients will be turned down.
I can’t wait! The parties at the Chi Temple are always so thoughtful and well-done. I have a blast every time, and I know you will too. And with such a huge lineup of Femdom Brilliance, how could you possibly miss out on this? ‘Tis the season, motherfuckers!
One of my biggest fantasies in my personal life has been human furniture, or forniphilia. The name itself is pretty self-explanatory. It’s humans…made into furniture. Isn’t the world of kink so strange and grand?
I think my fetish first arose from Clockwork Orange. If you’ve ever watched the movie before (which, by the way, has also been a huge source of inspiration for a lot of my BDSM practice), you know exactly what I’m talking about…
…the Korova Milk Bar scenes in Clockwork Orange. Human furniture everywhere! Tables, sculptures, milk dispensers! Hot naked women! But most importantly: objectification!
I love objectification. Something about making people into objects of my entertainment, reducing them down to pure form and function, is so very enticing to me. First, there is the element of restraint in both movement and choice – physical and mental bondage, and you know your Daddy loves bondage. Then there’s the act of creating someone into an object of your own choosing. Pure dominion and control over an autonomous human to create them into your sentient bitch-object. It’s utterly delightful!
One of my favorite bondage studios is House of Gord, purely for their excellently twisted modes of creating objectifying people through bondage. I love nearly everything they post – the pure sexual objectification in all the bondage bottoms is both innovative and oh-so-very humiliating. I frequently try to replicate some of their postures in my own practice, but alas, most of my clients are neither fit nor flexible enough to keep those positions for long enough. Also, Jeff Gord has so many specialized pieces of furniture that some of the poses are nearly impossible! I truly admire his dedication to his craft in that regard.
I mean just look at that! I didn’t even have to dig deep to find that magnificent creation. The entire site is brilliant, and I highly recommend you all take gander. I would love to shoot for them at some point. It would be a dream come true!
Human furniture is also a regular theme in popular culture and art. I get particularly giddy coming across it in some of my favorite TV shows. Most recently, it appeared in Succession, my current favorite HBO show. Having human furniture in it doesn’t hurt, either. 😉
And of course, forniphilia is highly popular in bondage comics – purely because some of the modes of objectification are so unrealistic and unsustainable that they could only exist in fictional media. (But honestly, the more untenable it is, the more I’m into it. I’m an extremist of sorts.) One of my favorite bondage comics ever is by Simon Benson, titled Stepford Bound. The comic definitely falls more heavily into the objectification/gimp aspect of BDSM, but you get the idea.
A quick survey of Google Images brings even more sources of beautiful human furniture. I highly recommend you taking your own little dive into it if it interests you. 😉
The artist, David Blazquez, has done a couple of iconic human furniture photos that periodically make their rounds on Twitter every couple of months. I’ve had them saved in my pervy inspiration photos on my computer since my Domme inception. They’re aptly titled Human Furniture, or Molbiliario Humano.
Speaking about lamps, you may have noticed the featured picture of this blog post. The photo is by Lauren Dickerhoof, shot during one of my East Coast tours in NYC. I think human lamps are hilarious, and I’ve even done a video about it. It’s actually one of my favorite videos ever, purely because it’s about human furniture, obviously.
I like human furniture so much that I even messaged someone on a kinky dating app about it (who appropriately had a profile picture of him with a lampshade on). We never met up, but my enthusiasm for his profile was so great that I couldn’t contain myself and had to message him (and I pretty much never message people first). My dream home (or dream dungeon) would be entirely composed of furniture in the form of humans. And I’ve yet to get a pure human furniture session, so here is my friendly suggestion that they are always welcome…
In other news, I just arrived in Florida for Order of Indomitus! The weather is delightfully muggy and warm here (great for my reptilian homeostasis), and I can’t wait to kick off the festivities tomorrow. Femdom summer camp! I’m currently writing this blog post while soaking in the heat in the pool house.
I’ll be back to taking sessions in LA starting November 14th. It’s been a whirlwind couple of weeks!
I would like to clarify what discretion does and does not mean for me within Professional Domination.
What it does mean: I can guarantee you that I have no intentions of outing you to the vanilla world at all. I will not be emailing your work email (unless you have chosen that as our only form of contact ???). I will not call or text you without initial discussion or precedent. In all public outings, I will take caution in ensuring that our interactions do not put us at legal or social risk. Unless a particular scene involve me blackmailing you for your personal information or unless we are taking a trip together, I will not ask for information on your vanilla life. You are more than welcome to volunteer that information to me, and you can rest assured in knowing that I won’t be revealing your identity to vanilla outsiders.
If you explicitly ask me to keep something entirely secret, I will keep your secret.
Discretion, for me, entails keeping both of our identities safe and separate from the vanilla world.
Discretion does not mean that our interactions exist within a vacuum. Should another professional ask for a reference from me, I will more than happily detail them on our interactions (within good reason). Should you behave well, I will sing your praises. Should you behave poorly, they will know of this immediately.
If all of this sounds like a veiled threat to you, it might be. I simply wanted you to know that your activities are always being reported and policed by Big Sister (AKA the Domme Sisterhood). Be on your best behavior because we’re always watching. Discretion is never an excuse for poor behavior.
And again: we’re always watching you.
Yacht Club, but make it Domme
On a less intimidating note, I had a pretty sweet time on a yacht yesterday with a bunch of Dommes and bitches. Mistress Lucy threw a party courtesy of her slave, whose boat it was. I peed on men on the poop deck. We ate donuts. Photos were taken.
Yesterday was very much one of those days that reminded me how much I loved my job and my life. I have the delightful privilege of hanging out on a yacht on a weekday afternoon just to chill with my hot, bossy friends. And of course, I always have human toilets ready for use.
Remember: if it seems like my life is better than yours, it’s because it’s true!
Next time I’ll allow one or two slaves to wait on me hand and foot. Because the only thing that could have made the day better would have been a bunch of groveling bitches crawling behind me, ready to feed me grapes at a snap of my finger.
San Francisco/Oakland/Bay Area: October 28th to November 1st
And finally, I’ll be in the Bay Area this week from Monday to Friday. As the primary reason for my trip is personal, I do not have many time slots available for sessions. I’m prioritizing longer sessions (2h minimum). I still have some availability – however if you know me, then you know that an earlier notice is better. Apply here.
Oh, also! I’m shooting with Elise Graves on this trip! Can’t wait to make some heavily restrained smut with her. 😈 I’ve admired her bondage work for quite some time now and am soooo excited to finally meet her in person.
And finally, here’s a Twitter roundup for those of you less technologically socially inclined.
One of my favorite things to do in session is to do horrific things to my victims while having delightfully cheerful pop music going on in the background. I feel like it adds a wonderful contrast to the tortures that are at hand. Last year, I played Hall and Oates for probably 75% of my sessions.
I figured the Shania Twain soundtrack would be suitable this time as I was wearing the cowboy boots that he had purchased me for my birthday. I went for a whole country western soundtrack the entirety of the session.
The greatest benefit of putting on popular music in the background is that the next time my sub hears Shania, he will inevitably think of my relentless ball whipping. Memories! They’re the gift that keep on giving, truly.
That’s it for now!
Did this post give you a boner in any way, shape, or form? A gift off my wishlist is much better than a cum tribute.
One of my weeks was filled with all queer femmes! And I’m talking about only that sweet feminine energy. I’ve already talked extensively about how much I enjoy playing with ladies and everybody else in between, and 2019 has provided a bounty. Thanks, QTPOC community! I have been blessed.
My favorite part about playing with different genders and sexualities is that I get to explore different aspects of BDSM that I don’t usually play with. My two current obsessions are tit bondage and pussy clips, for example. It’s like having new toys, and you know your Daddy likes having new toys.
On top of that, I’ve recently realized that playing with trans folx has helped me hone down my verbal and humiliation skills. Rather than relying on usual gendered stereotypes, I become put into a situation where I have to humiliate the person for who they are at their core. It’s become a fun challenge for me.
I’ve been doing some spring cleaning in my panty drawer and have sold loads of pairs in the past couple of weeks. I’m absolutely delighted that the lot of you are the pantysniffing sickos I knew you to be. Way to live up to stereotypes! Of course nobody wants clean panties. Some of you guys even want them extra dirty…
My slave gimpy is sad that I have been selling all of those panties, but of course that just means he can buy me more.
My goal is to clear out all my old pairs of underwear by 2020, and I expect you pervs to snap up the rest of them. You bitches have two months. If you’d like to buy a pair of dirty drawers for yourself, shoot me a text on SextPanther or use my contact form to buy them from me directly. International shipping accepted and specific requests encouraged (I’m looking at you, extra dirty panty boys).
Four bottles of piss, an entirely drenched outfit, one "Twinkle twinkle little piss", multiple face slaps, and a direct piss into the mouth later 😂 pic.twitter.com/I0FVWpjpsi
I’ve also been on Skype quite a few times this week. I typically don’t prioritize Skype sessions, but this past week might change my mind. In particular, this bedwetter was hilarious. He even saved up four? five? six? bottles of old piss just for my use. Needless to say, I used up all those bottles like the conniving bitch that I am.
If you guys keep on pouring old piss over yourself, you might just persuade me to stay on cam more often. Fight the good fight.
And let’s not forget about ballbusting! Because I did…a lot of it these past couple of weeks. This intelligent man decided that it was a good idea to use a rubber mallet in session. Needless to say, I was a bit fixated on using it the entire time.
I mean, if you have a dicklet that small, you’re pretty much only good for ballbusting anyway. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Finally, I had a shoot with Mistress Lucy Khan this week. I adore her. One of the biggest reasons why I love her is because we are two curly-haired Asians who love to shit on men. The commonalities are uncanny! But also, she’s just a Very Fun Lady. We had a blast shooting Asian supremacy and toilet humiliation videos, and to top it all off, we spitroasted her slave in a schoolgirl abduction fantasy.
I’m honestly very pleased with the plot for the strap-on video and am quite excited for it. Keep your eyes peeled next week or so!
I had a highly entertaining NiteFlirt phone call yesterday.
When people call me telling me their fetish is unusual, I’m typically quite dismissive of it. I am a Dominatrix, after all. I do weird shit for a living. I’ve made a full circle in regards to what I find strange, and now find that the most vanilla things are the most bizarre, and the kinkiest things are of utmost normality. I’m not easily phased.
So he warned me that his predilections were…unusual, and of course, I didn’t believe him. He had a bit of a heavy accent, so I had some trouble understanding him initially. We both spoke very slowly while I tried to suss out exactly he was into. There were a lot of moments of me repeating what he said to make sure I heard correctly.
He told me he liked bondage. I said, “Cool, bondage is one of my favorites.” He told me he like forced bi. I said, “Cool, I do that all the time.” He said he was into food. “Like sploshing?”, I asked. “No, like feeding,” he said. “What do you like to be fed?” “Eggs.” I had to double-check what I heard. “Eggs?” “Yes, eggs.” “Like hard-boiled eggs?” “Yes, eggs.” “What is it about eggs that you like so much?” “They’re hard to eat.”
I laughed because I thought of all the times I ate a hard-boiled egg too quickly (I eat largely vegetarian at home and always have eggs on hand). The feeling of the pasty egg yolk caught in your throat while peristalsis stubbornly tries to push it down. The hiccups. That big lump in your esophagus. I could relate. Eating eggs can be quite difficult.
But more than that, he wanted to be force fed eggs, and he wanted eggs shoved up his asshole. He’d only taken four at a time up his bum before, but I told him I was certain he could take more. He wanted to eat both hard-boiled and raw eggs with the shell on while being fucked in the ass by a trans woman. He wanted to be tied up so he had no choice but to take…the eggs.
I told him he could probably do one better: first have eggs stuffed up his bum, then have the trans woman fuck the eggs deeper in while I hand fed him eggs into his mouth, then stuff more eggs up his bum while I forced even more eggs in his mouth, progressively filling up both holes more and more in this vicious cycle. And finally, the woman would cum inside his eggy mouth for the ultimate omelet (obviously).
It was all very nasty, very bizarre, and very…egg-shaped. I was laughing the whole time.
Eggs. Are they the most disgusting form of feeder/feedee fetish? Maybe? Probably? Definitely.
This entire interaction had me thinking about all the things dumb men shove up their assholes in moments of horny desperation. (In fact, Clips4Sale has an entire category dedicated to this phenomenon called “Odd Insertions”.) Of course, there are the obvious ones: carrots, eggplants, italian squash, cucumbers. But why stop at phallic shapes? Why not get creative? The world is truly your oyster (or perhaps your asshole is the oyster) when it comes to penetrating your own anus.
Why not Lego men if you’re feeling kinda gay? Toy trucks if you’ve got a pedal pushing fetish? A giant pacifier if you’re a slutty diaper lover? A tree branch if you want to be one with nature? A small broom if you need to clean the house? Or go classic with a knob of ginger for that fiery experience? They don’t call it a knob for nothing, you know.
And you know what? I’m 100% certain that some of you readers have tried some of these objects inside of yourselves before. Bravo to horny male ingenuity, brave stupidity, or something like that. Desires like these are exactly what allow Dominatrices to make thriving careers for ourselves. Keep on sticking things in your ass that don’t belong there and succumbing to the futility that is your male libido. It sure as hell makes good entertainment for us!
One of my good vanilla friends is an ER nurse. I’ve occasionally consulted him on medical procedures for personal and professional interests. We’ve joked that our jobs are practically the same thing – getting accidentally shat on, pissed on, bled on, and shoving all sorts of implements all across the human body. But most notably? He spends a lot of time taking random objects out of men’s assholes. As of this point, very few things phase him.
I should probably ask him if he’s ever removed a full egg out of someone’s ass before.
Hot strap-on/pegging picture from English Mansion last year! With Mistresses Sidonia Von Bork and Lola Ruin.
It’s exactly what it sounds like. I nailed a male penis to a board using hammers and, well, nails. And he quite literally asked for it. (Picture at the end, and also – obviously – very NSFW/trigger warning.)
But how does one get there, exactly?
We started off with CBT and ballbusting. A lot of me grabbing his balls directly, pulling them, squeezing them, and twisting them around. He has the type of testicles that, upon first grabbing, one might think was quite large. I quickly realized that it was, in fact, his thick ball skin that made it so much bigger.
And the thing about thick ball skin is that sometimes it can make balls harder to grab. The gonads seem to disappear into the body more easily because the skin is less saggy and therefore closer to the pelvis (rather than the typical loose swinging nuts). It’s harder to get a good grasp on them to separate the balls from the body. And because his balls were being finicky, I frequently had to forcefully grab them, lest they escape me. Unfortunately for him, this hurt a lot more.
I had cautioned him against using the safeword, mostly because I was in that sort of cheerfully sociopathic mood and didn’t really want to ruin my fun. I knew what was on the menu for the day and was quite thrilled about it. I may have overestimated him in that moment.
He verbalized to me that he was getting close to using the safeword after one particularly sharp tug at his balls. It surprised me. Could a man who was asking for his cock to be nailed to a wooden board really be safewording out with me simply pulling on his nads with my bare hands? We were just getting started! This wouldn’t be the worst of it, if I had my say.
As we progressed on with the playtime, I realized that his pain tolerance was lower than I expected. For a man who said ballbusting was a “firm favorite” within his BDSM interests, he wasn’t taking the pain as well as expected. Would he be able to handle getting nailed through his cock and balls? Would my fantasy even happen? Would all my prep work be for naught?
The session progressed on, with me tiptoeing the edge between safeword and not. I always like to play that line and see how far I can push someone before they break. I electrically sounded him for a solid hour, pushing up the amplitude higher and higher to see how much he could take. He asked me to turn it up even more. I felt relieved. Perhaps there was salvation in this so-called masochist!
And then, it was time: the dick nailing.
I had already scrupulously cleaned, sanitized, and laid out all the required items. Baked sterile wood: check. Nails soaking in a Cavacide bath: check. Hammer and pliers, cleaned and ready: check and check. Bitch relaxing on a fuck swing, ready to be nailed: check.
When he saw the nails I brought out, he nervously said, “Those are a lot bigger than I was expecting.” I found this hilarious because I had spent a solid two or three minutes staring at nails in the store, trying to decide which size nail was the “nail-iest”. If I chose the smaller ones, they would look like thumb tacks. If I chose the biggest ones, they might be a lot more damaging than he would like (although I am all for permanent marks). I had settled on these particular nails after a lot of hemming and hawing.
Either way, I had nails, and he had a cock. So I nailed him.
I’m pretty pleased with myself. As a bloodlusty sadist who uses my job to sate my otherwise not-so-savory tendencies, this definitely hit the spot for me. And for him, as well! He handled the pain delightfully well. All my previous fears of him not being a masochist were instantly erased. How lovely!
In fact, he practically asked for more as I was finishing up. The extra cluster on his foreskin was at his own suggestion, that filthy masochist!
I’ve already been thinking of ways to increase the sensation next time. Electrocuting the nails would be a wonderful way of cauterizing the wound and creating permanent marks. Adding an element of predicament bondage to pull his cock and balls in different directions while nailed down would also be so, so fun. Or even adding some silly patterns while nailing would make it look pretty. So many ideas!
In any case, I’ve been in an exceedingly pleasant mood all week because of this. Now if only I had slaves like this every day…
I was shooting whipping clips last week with one of my longterm whipping slaves, g. He’s known me for over five years now, and I’ve shot the majority of my corporal punishment videos with him. He comes to my personal home and I use him as a whipping boy to practice aiming and different techniques. Our usual routine is whipping practice or shooting clips and then going out to get smoothies and chatting afterwards (because aftercare or something). I’d like to think we have a good relationship. After all, I don’t invite many slaves into my personal home for no reason! The fact that he’s a tank with corporal punishment isn’t too shabby either. 😉
After our extremely brutal shoot (you bitches are going to cream your pants watching these, so keep a lookout for them), I asked him how I’ve changed in my years as a Pro-Domme. After all, he’s known me from right about the time that I started to now in the present day. He’s been consistently in my life more than 95% of my submissives.
He said to me, quite succinctly, “You’re a lot more approachable now.”
I laughed because I was 100% certain he was correct. Slaves aren’t usually correct, but this was an exception. 😉
I’ve been thinking about what it means to change as a Domme. And in particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about the Dunning-Kruger effect. (There’s a great This American Life about it. Check it out here.)
More colloquially, Dommes know this phenomenon as “Baby Domme Syndrome”.
When we start out as Dommes, the excitement of digging into this empowering, seedy underworld is overwhelming. That, on top of the fact that people are literally paying to worship us – well, it can lead to a bit of overconfidence. And while many Dommes do have the natural instinct towards domination, that doesn’t mean it’s refined or accurate yet. Let’s just call it more of a tendency than a true skill as of that point.
My first years as a Dominatrix were a headrush. I definitely got tipsy with power, and I definitely thought I was the All-Knowing Creator of FemDom. I wasn’t, of course. But man, how could I not believe I was the best Dominatrix in the world when people were calling me on NiteFlirt telling me that they had never seen anyone as Dominant as me, telling me that I was so much better than everybody else, telling me that they only wanted to be my slave and nobody else’s?
And with that ego, I developed a coldness. A perpetual sneer, you could call it. Slaves were slaves, and to be treated like such. Let none of these sniveling bitches in, and who even needs aftercare? Do slaves even deserve aftercare? Don’t talk to them, don’t even look in their direction unless you are making them cry. I am better than any other person in the world, and I’m most certainly better than a slave.
All of this is fun and true in the right scene, but highly unsustainable in life. It’s definitely unsustainable in my lifestyle! I’m happy to say that all of my slaves are also my friends. Sure, some of them are jackass, idiot friends, but you know how that goes…
Long story short, I was humbled many, many times throughout my beginning years. I still am humbled now! But whereas the humility was earth-shattering the first dozen of times, I now take it in stride as a learning experience. Everything is a learning experience.
While a couple of years ago, I would have been offended by someone describing me as approachable (in both work and life), I quite enjoy it now. I think it’s important to be able to let people into my life (with acceptable boundaries, of course). And in turn, having a connection with all my subs means our scenes can be so much more intense and meaningful. I like that. It truly feels like I am making a difference in someone’s life.
This is not to say that I don’t enjoy being a MegaBitch™. Quite the contrary – having a connection with my bottoms means that I can twist and use all their intimate bits even better! Whereas I once saw approachability as being weakness in a Domme, I now see it, in part, as a tool to manipulate my bitches even more. How ironic is that? Perhaps I should change my motto to “Vulnerability is the true path to Brutality”.
But more than that, I think about how I have progressed as a Mistress. I take everything a lot less seriously now. I have a lot more ease about what I do. If something (or someone) doesn’t go to plan, I have the resources to laugh about it now. I know that I know a decent amount, and I also know that I know not so much, so it’s a relief to not be held accountable for the entire compendium of BDSM knowledge. It leaves me open to more learning.
Just some thoughts today.
In other news, Eyes Wide Shut is tonight! Y’all know it’s my favorite play party, as I have espoused before. I’m excited to attend tonight. Tonight will be the usual round-up of babely Domme superstars, including Aiden Starr, Eden Winter, Jewell Marceau, Helena Locke, Sheri Darling, Skin Diamond, Porcelain Midnight, Bettie Bondage, Aine Patrick, as well as Katarina Fox and special guest Monday Jones visiting from Seattle!
Hope to see some of you there. Come say hi to me because I’m approachable now. 😉
Finally, for general scheduling updates, I’ll be out of town the following week from Thursday to Monday (August 22nd-26th). I’m going backpacking in the Grand Canyon!
Those of you who have tried to schedule with me on the weekend know how notoriously hard it is to do so. A Mistress needs days off, too. Expect me to be entirely off the grid during this period of time. Daddy loves her cyber-free vacations.
Sometimes when I spend too much time on social media, I start questioning who I am. Should I be more like this? Should I do more of that? Am I too happy? Am I too sad? Who am I?
I’m sure all of you have had that experience. Social media can be, after all, an endless feedback loop of emotional masochism. Be more attractive, be more successful, be more everything, and of course, be much better than who you are.
I get this way a lot with my Pro-Domme peers. I’ll spend a little too much time on Twitter, and soon enough, I’ll be down a rabbit hole of validation-based immolation. Here are a couple of thoughts that regularly pop up for me:
I dwelled in it for a bit and felt bad for myself. And then I snapped out of it, reminding myself that I am very happy the way I am.
It has taken me some period of time to reach this place. I used to have complete breakdowns based on my very limited perception of who I was versus how my peers represented themselves. Some days, I snap out of it faster than others. Other days, I mope in self-pity for a while, truly feeling not good enough.
Social media makes it a little too easy to doubt one’s self. Spending time on it can be so confounding for me, because on the one hand, Twitter is an endless well of kinky inspiration. On the other hand, I find myself comparing myself with other Dommes, taking notes on what I lack and how I need to be better. And ultimately, I begin to dismiss my own Dominance. I truly begin to feel as if I am not good enough.
And here’s the thing: there is no one form of Dominance. Sure, there are archetypes. There are disciplinarian leather Mistresses, glamorous rubber fetishists, sultry three-piece lingerie vixens – the list of attributes goes on and on. BDSM creates a multitude of archetypes to represent Dominance, and we in turn, as Pro-Dommes, are expected to embody them. But these are heightened fantasies. They’re meant to be extreme, and they’re meant to be out of this world and unattainable. They are all wonderful and divine…and they also aren’t always me. (Which is not to say anything less about the rare Women who naturally carry this energy throughout their daily lives. They are rare and magical creatures. Hold on to them tightly.)
Sure, I can and have embodied these roles. If you catch me on a good day, I might even get into a full rubber catsuit for you. But just because I am not glamorous 24/7 (or even 9-5/7) does not mean my dominance is any less diminished. Dominance is complex, and ultimately, so much of it is in the eye of the beholder. What is Dominant for one person is submissive to another. What is sexy to one person is repulsive to another.
Here is the example I like to use the most: in my lifestyle D/s relationships, I am both bossy and lazy. I spend enough energy micromanaging people in session that I’d rather kick back and do nothing on my off days. I like getting spoiled. I’m sometimes quite petulant (just because I can, not necessarily because I am). Now obviously, between me and my slaves, I am the Dominant one in this scenario. But one could entirely flip the situation around and say that I’m a brat or little girl type of bottom. After all, brats in BDSM like to talk back. And little girls are often spoiled and taken care of by their Daddies. Really, the thin line separating me and a submissive is that I know I am not submissive, and my slaves know the same as well.
External deciders like the outfits I choose, the personality I have, and the activities I enjoy do not impact who I am as a Dominant person. Dominance comes from within. (cheesy, yes)
When I first started domming, I had an entire idea of who I thought I was as a Dominant – and she was every bit the archetype that any layperson thinks of when they think of a Dominatrix. Cold, vicious, cruel, with cutting words and a Cruella de Vil wardrobe. A leather and latex Bitch with a perpetual sneer.
I loved being her, but something also didn’t feel right. It took me a couple of years to find my own Dominant persona, and I still am refining her each day. But more importantly, she changes from day to day. She doesn’t need to embody a specific archetype to validate her dominance.
Most Pro-Dommes know that it takes a bit of time to find your voice – both literal and mental – and I found this to be stunningly true with each passing year. And the thing is that this voice needs to be genuine, or why even bother? We’re not actually in the business of being actresses. We’re here to play. Domination is an outlet for creative and personal expression. It is something that is incredibly sacred to me, and having come close to burning out many times, I refuse to allow that to happen just because I chose to not be true to myself.
I’ve spent this year really thinking about who I am as a Mistress. What kind of Mistress am I? How would I characterize myself? How do others see me? And while I have gotten quite a few common descriptors, I still don’t fully have an answer to that. Because the fact of the matter is that who we are as people is so complex that to narrow that down to a couple of words would be a disservice to all those involved. I could tell you that I’m quite sweet in sessions, but I could also tell you about the time where I kicked a man to the floor while he was crying. I could tell you that I’m not that into slave training, but then my cleaning slaves could tell you about my laundry list of protocol I have each time they walk into my house. I could tell you that I’m not that into seduction, but I could also tell you that one of my favorite sessions ever was the time I gave a sub his first full body orgasm with my breath alone.
I could tell you many things about myself, and then I could tell you something to immediately disprove it. And regardless of all of that, what I can tell you in 100% full confidence is that I am Dominant. The outfits, the activities, the persona – those are all fluff. They are cultural signifiers to tell the world, “Hey, look at me, I’ve put some simplified and direct labels on myself to tell you that I am Dominant.” These labels are fun and easy, but they are not the whole truth of it. The truth of the matter is that if I want to dominate someone in pajamas, no make-up, and a friendly smile on, I am not diminishing my own dominance in any sort of way. And neither are you (to any Dommes reading this)!
Sure, the Domme archetypes are magical and delightful to wear for a day (or a year). They’ve taught me a lot about who I am and who I am not. I draw on a little bit of each whenever I play. But I also want you to know that you and I, we are all perfectly Dominant the way we are, and we don’t need to concede to a simplified ideology to show that. Don’t worry about what social media, porn, or other subs tell you what you need to be in order to be Dominant. Just trust in who you are, and let that guide you along your kinky path. Be authentic about it. Be your own goddamn, authentic, fabulous, Dominant self.
So who am I today? I am currently in T-shirt and shorts. My phone has been blowing up with slaves begging me to make them eat cum and poop. I’ve been sitting on the couch all day. I’m planning out my next corporal punishment and latex maid shoots. I made dinner. And I still feel sexy and Dominant as hell, all hiccups aside. 💋
Warning: Adult and sadomasochistic content ahead
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