“How do I become a Dominatrix?”
I get this question numerous times a year, from cold DM’s on social media to vanilla friends asking me to answer questions for their friends. The questions are always the same, and the answers are always the same, so as a very thorough way of never repeating myself ever again, here it is!
You were warned.
First off, a couple of very strongly worded caveats.
Domination is sex work.
From a legal perspective, as a sex worker, you can and will have your bank accounts, social media accounts, dating accounts, AirBNB accounts, hotel bookings, and country visas shut down or cancelled on you. Sex work is a grey area in the US and fully illegal in many countries. I’ve had friends banned from countries because their faces were recognized as being active on advertising sites. I’ve had numerous accounts personally shut down as a sex worker (forget having a dating account anywhere). I’ve had numerous friends lose bank accounts. I’ve had friends kicked out of hotels under suspicion. And all of these are done without any warning. Businesses and financial institutions can and will shut you down whenever they feel like it because your sheer existence is against their TOS. They do not want to be party to “trafficking”, even if you are there on your own volition.
From a business perspective, prepare to fight like hell. You will constantly lose your advertising and financial avenues and need to restructure your business every couple of years. From social media accounts getting constantly shut down to losing major advertising or moneymaking sources due to legal censorship, prepare for the rollercoaster that is sex work censorship! Banks and laws hate us and are trying to constantly litigate us, and major structural disasters happen every couple of years that force us to look at our business anew to seek new methods of making money off of this. This year, we will probably look forward to Project 2025! In 2022, it was Mastercard/Visa changing their TOS and changing how online streaming operated, in 2020, it was the pandemic, in 2018, it was FOSTA/SESTA…etc. You will need to be unbelievably, unabashedly, near-stupidly resilient in a society that does not want the oldest job in the world to exist. (But like sexy cockroaches after a nuclear disaster, we survive…).
From a personal perspective, you will need to acknowledge the “sex” in “sex work” in a very literal sort of way. If the idea of sex repulses you — if you had assumed that bossing (usually) cis men means that you are exempt from the stigmas and difficulties of sex work — you are poorly mistaken, and you will be better off doing literally anything else. The scope of what we do is not just looking hot in latex and leather, extracting money from paypigs, and beating people up in poorly lit dungeons. It usually involves arousal, which means you will definitely see a boner at some point and will have to acknowledge and/or interact with it. Men will jerk off in front of you or at the very least, drip precum somewhere very inconvenient. If you are grossed out by the idea of someone deriving sexual pleasure from your interaction with them, this is not for you.
Even though Dominatrices tend to fall closer to the top of the whorearchy in the US, the fact of the matter is that we are still viewed as sex workers by the world at large and will therefore be subject to all the stigma and discrimination that any other whore gets. Introducing yourself as a Dominatrix may be a cool party trick in certain edgy young metropolitan communities, but just wait until you see how everybody treats you differently once you make a joke about cumeating. Your friends’ girlfriends will treat you differently, your male friends will start creeping on you, and you should be prepared to have it become the hot gossip in your hometown at some point. You can and will be outed and doxxed without your consent as a source of entertainment for others. Puritanical stigma is pervasive everywhere, and you might be surprised to learn that you probably have internalized stigma as well. You can and will lose friends, family, and job positions over this.
Because of this, successful sex workers are typically very good at compartmentalization and boundaries to a fault. We can easily separate out personal relationships from business interactions and bad personal days from good business days. We constantly need to reinforce our boundaries with clients and ourselves since this is a high burnout industry. There will be many difficult days doing a job that most of the population looks down upon, and it takes someone who is easily able to dissociate from that to provide a stellar experience to a client who will never see you as an equal because we are, in fact, whores.
Speaking of clients: you will have some great clients, and you will have some absolutely fucking terrible clients, and you cannot, in fact, “do whatever you want”. This is ultimately a service industry, and we are providing the service of Domination to our clients. This means that if they come in with a specific set of instructions, it is our job to execute out those instructions should we accept that session. There is always room for negotiation within that, but I certainly would not take a dump on someone who came in asking for a soft, sensual novice session. Some clients truly will let you do a lot of things to them, but many come in looking to experience specific kinks and fetishes, and it is your job to execute those with skill and professionalism.
Domination (and sex work as a whole) is work. It is not easy money. Do not be swayed by sensation-seeking tabloids about ProDommes who pull in thousands every hour. Do those people exist? Yes. Have I charged thousands per hour? Absolutely. But the reality of the situation is that those types of rates are extremely uncommon, and you will probably not be the person to command them on a regular basis.
Sure, there are some people who strike gold their first year of domming — I’ve seen it myself numerous times. But even those people have had to work hard to maintain that momentum. The more common story is that many Dominatrices have spent years fixating on their business and figuring out what works for them until it all begins falling into place. Even then, like any other entrepreneurship, domming is a constant juggling act of re-evaluation to figure out what works best for you. This a business, and a good businessperson will price themselves in the way most advantageous for their business. For some people, that may mean lower and high-volume rate, and for others, that may be a higher and low-volume.
Be prepared to buckle up and work very, very hard your first couple of years. Treat it like any other start-up. The financial reward can be extremely rewarding, but I guarantee you that every successful Domme you see on social media has thousands of hours of work behind them.
And finally, Domination (and sex work) is a high turnover industry. You probably will not be the exception. I’ve been doing this since 2013, and of all the Dommes that started at the same dungeon as me, only one other person is still successfully practicing today. That’s hundreds of people who have gone through and exited this industry or were unable to make this into a fulltime job. Because too many people naively enter into this work, they oftentimes realize that this industry is not suitable for them. And that’s ok! Being a sex worker can be difficult from both the professional and personal sense. The fact of the matter is that even though sex work is the oldest industry, it is also not necessarily suitable for everybody as a career.
Great. Did any of that scare you off, or are are you a stubborn asshole who is emboldened by the challenge? If you’re a latter, congrats! You already have the makings of a Dominatrix!
How do I start as a Dominatrix?
This specifically pertains to some older-school methods for becoming a realtime Dominatrix in the US (vs. online domination). With the rise of OnlyFans and findomming, this method has changed in recent years, but I find a lot of the tenets still to be true today. You can do one, some, or all of these.
- Find your local dungeon and apprentice there. This was my method — I took a look at dungeons in Los Angeles and did some research on the Mistresses there, taking notes of the ones with the most professional images, videos, and content. The dungeon that appealed to me the most happened to also be the one closest to me at the time, so I called that dungeon, set up an interview, and signed up for shifts immediately.
Many dungeons prefer to be more underground, but you should be able to find out what house dungeons are in your area via your local Fetlife groups or a google search. Try searching “BDSM dungeon *your major city*”, and look for a dungeon that advertises Mistresses on staff. Many dungeons are for rentals only, and you won’t be able to learn from house staff at these locations.
Please note that a lot of dungeons can and will take advantage of baby Dommes and are oftentimes not ethical places to stay in the long-term. My advice is to get session volume and learn from other more established Mistresses there, and then go independent when you feel ready. Consider it as a training ground to get used to dungeons, learn about BDSM from more experienced people, and to develop community. I personally apprenticed at a dungeon for a year and a half, but the amount of time you stay is up to you. (I generally wouldn’t recommend more than two years.)
As a general note, you will only truly be successful once you go independent and control your own rates, times, and clientele. Being a house Mistress used to be lucrative pre-2008, but it has not been a lucrative job in a long time. - Engage with your local kink community. Fetlife can be helpful again here — you’ll be able to find play parties, munches, meetups, classes, and oftentimes numerous people will know of or have access to other ProDommes, dungeons, and houses of Domination in your area.
Additionally, engaging with your kink community will enhance your understanding of kink and BDSM. If you are a complete novice, it’s a good idea to start learn about how BDSM exists in the real world because online advertising and porn will not give you a full picture.
Please note that lifestyle play and ProDomme scenes are different by proxy of this being a business. Community scenes oftentimes need to protect themselves by catering to the lowest common denominator of kink education and safety, whereas private professional scenes have the privilege of being able to control for environment and audience and therefore can engage in edgier scenes. We all still abide by similar tenets of consent, however various communities use different models of consent (please look up SSC, RAACK, and PRICK if you are unaware — most Dommes fall under PRICK). - Mentor under a well-established Dominatrix. (Like me!) Find someone who has
1. Several years of traceable experience (I would argue at minimum five years, and make sure it’s actually traceable as many people pad up the experience as an advertising strategy) to understand the basics of BDSM, screening, advertising, and safety
2. Notable success as this is a business, after all.
3. A decently sized presence either in your community, in your desired niche, or online to vouch for their credibility.
These mentorships will either be paid-for or will ask something out of you in return, be that dungeon help, admin services, a cut out of your tribute during the time of mentorship, etc.
While I did not strictly take this route, a house of Domination would be considered mentorship of a kind, and the trade-off is usually that they take a sizeable chunk of your session tribute.
I would personally avoid seeking mentorship from someone who has made mentorship or teaching their entire schtick. Remember “those who can’t, teach”? The most successful Dommes are oftentimes too busy working on their own business to be training others at scale. While I can think of a few notable Dommes who have done an excellent job of expanding on their educational courses, the thing that makes them particularly stand out is that I also know that they have achieved great success as a Dominatrix first. If a ProDomme is constantly touting their mentorship/classes without their own previous career to back it up, move along. You are part of a business scheme where you will not learn any real skills. - Take classes. The internet and the pandemic have made it increasingly easy to take classes! I regularly take classes to view my understanding of BDSM from a different, fresher angle. Despite having over a decade of high level experience in Femdom, I still find myself pleasantly surprised at the things I learn at 101 classes. Everybody has a personal take on BDSM that can provide nuance to what we do. Our field is one of endless learning, and you would be surprised at all the new things you learn by taking classes of the same subject by different teachers.
- Join online communities. Find kinship through others who are doing what we do. I learn the most from my peers, and I highly suggest taking a look at what your successful peers are doing. Become friends with other ProDommes, swap tips, do double sessions with each other, and take a look at what the most successful people are doing.
Don’t get caught up in the cult of personality that is online domination, though. Remember that this is a business and that we are all presenting a very curated form of advertising online. Don’t believe everything you see online — we’ve all told a little white lie here or there to garner business.
And from a social perspective, doing this work can be incredibly lonely. Having community, be it online or in real life, is grounding and important for those moments where you want somebody who understands. Your friends, family, and partners will probably not understand if they do not have sex work experience.
How do I make money as a Dominatrix?
Ah yes. The most important question, and oftentimes, the most exciting part.
Here’s the part that confounds people the most. You can make money in literally any way as a Dominatrix. Sure, there are a couple of ways that are more common than not, but the world is your oyster as long as you are creative, persistent, and logical about it.
In regards to the more popular ways people make money, here are some options on how to get realtime or online BDSM sessions as a professional:
- Advertising on sex work advertising sites like Eros, Slixa, Tryst, etc.
- Advertising on social media (Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Bluesky, Snapchat) (use these sites with caution as they are not necessarily sex worker friendly)
- Advertising on forum-type sites (Reddit, fetish forums, etc.)
- Selling clips and videos on sites like Clips4Sale, IWantClips, ManyVids, etc.
- Selling on a membership site like daddyanli.com
- Utilizing fanclubs like LoyalFans or OnlyFans
- Using sexting or phone sex sites like SextPanther or Niteflirt
- Using wishlist or tribute sites like Throne or YouPay (use these sites with caution as they are not necessarily sex worker friendly)
- Having a kickass website like youremybit.ch 😉 where people come to it for both education and pleasure (see what I did there?)
There’s obviously a bit more nuance than that, but those are some good places to start. Take a look and see what your successful peers are doing. Try stuff out and see what works and what doesn’t. Reevaluate, try again until something clicks. Etc.
And those are the basics! It’s not enough to make you a successful Dominatrix, but it is enough to have you take a look around you and see if this industry is for you. I am generally of the belief that if you want this badly enough, you will find a way to become a Dominatrix because Dommes are some of the most headstrong people you will meet.
I hope this helps you on your journey. Now stop asking me how you can become a Dominatrix.
If you still have more questions, I am available for consultations, classes, and selective mentorship (on an extremely limited basis). I’m always happy to help out my peers and would-be peers! Please reach out via my contact form to set up a time.