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Things men want up their bums

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I had a highly entertaining NiteFlirt phone call yesterday.

When people call me telling me their fetish is unusual, I’m typically quite dismissive of it. I am a Dominatrix, after all. I do weird shit for a living. I’ve made a full circle in regards to what I find strange, and now find that the most vanilla things are the most bizarre, and the kinkiest things are of utmost normality. I’m not easily phased.

So he warned me that his predilections were…unusual, and of course, I didn’t believe him. He had a bit of a heavy accent, so I had some trouble understanding him initially. We both spoke very slowly while I tried to suss out exactly he was into. There were a lot of moments of me repeating what he said to make sure I heard correctly.

He told me he liked bondage.
I said, “Cool, bondage is one of my favorites.”
He told me he like forced bi.
I said, “Cool, I do that all the time.”
He said he was into food.
“Like sploshing?”, I asked.
“No, like feeding,” he said.
“What do you like to be fed?”
“Eggs.”
I had to double-check what I heard. “Eggs?”
“Yes, eggs.”
“Like hard-boiled eggs?”
“Yes, eggs.”
“What is it about eggs that you like so much?”
“They’re hard to eat.”

Yes, like these kinds of eggs. Eggs!

I laughed because I thought of all the times I ate a hard-boiled egg too quickly (I eat largely vegetarian at home and always have eggs on hand). The feeling of the pasty egg yolk caught in your throat while peristalsis stubbornly tries to push it down. The hiccups. That big lump in your esophagus. I could relate. Eating eggs can be quite difficult.

But more than that, he wanted to be force fed eggs, and he wanted eggs shoved up his asshole. He’d only taken four at a time up his bum before, but I told him I was certain he could take more. He wanted to eat both hard-boiled and raw eggs with the shell on while being fucked in the ass by a trans woman. He wanted to be tied up so he had no choice but to take…the eggs.

I told him he could probably do one better: first have eggs stuffed up his bum, then have the trans woman fuck the eggs deeper in while I hand fed him eggs into his mouth, then stuff more eggs up his bum while I forced even more eggs in his mouth, progressively filling up both holes more and more in this vicious cycle. And finally, the woman would cum inside his eggy mouth for the ultimate omelet (obviously).

It was all very nasty, very bizarre, and very…egg-shaped. I was laughing the whole time.

Eggs. Are they the most disgusting form of feeder/feedee fetish? Maybe? Probably? Definitely.

This entire interaction had me thinking about all the things dumb men shove up their assholes in moments of horny desperation. (In fact, Clips4Sale has an entire category dedicated to this phenomenon called “Odd Insertions”.) Of course, there are the obvious ones: carrots, eggplants, italian squash, cucumbers. But why stop at phallic shapes? Why not get creative? The world is truly your oyster (or perhaps your asshole is the oyster) when it comes to penetrating your own anus.

Why not Lego men if you’re feeling kinda gay? Toy trucks if you’ve got a pedal pushing fetish? A giant pacifier if you’re a slutty diaper lover? A tree branch if you want to be one with nature? A small broom if you need to clean the house? Or go classic with a knob of ginger for that fiery experience? They don’t call it a knob for nothing, you know.

And you know what? I’m 100% certain that some of you readers have tried some of these objects inside of yourselves before. Bravo to horny male ingenuity, brave stupidity, or something like that. Desires like these are exactly what allow Dominatrices to make thriving careers for ourselves. Keep on sticking things in your ass that don’t belong there and succumbing to the futility that is your male libido. It sure as hell makes good entertainment for us!

One of my good vanilla friends is an ER nurse. I’ve occasionally consulted him on medical procedures for personal and professional interests. We’ve joked that our jobs are practically the same thing – getting accidentally shat on, pissed on, bled on, and shoving all sorts of implements all across the human body. But most notably? He spends a lot of time taking random objects out of men’s assholes. As of this point, very few things phase him.

I should probably ask him if he’s ever removed a full egg out of someone’s ass before.

I’m not a nurse, but I do play one in the dungeon!

Hot strap-on/pegging picture from English Mansion last year! With Mistresses Sidonia Von Bork and Lola Ruin.

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I’m a ballbusting bully ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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An Li grabs her latex and leather gimp slave by the cock and balls. Ballbusting and CBT!

I’ve had this client on Niteflirt lately that I’ve been having a riot chatting with about ballbusting. By chatting, I mostly mean bullying.

“Mattias” has called me multiple times in the past week. He starts off like most subs who call me on Niteflirt. I ask him why he’s calling me and how he thinks he can serve me. He answers that he’s into humiliation. Humiliation, of course, can veer into many sorts of ways, so that’s really not much of a descriptor. I push him a little deeper into the conversation, and eventually it veers into ballbusting.

Now here’s where things got interesting. I told him to punch himself in the balls, and he immediately starts crying. I can imagine him crying when he does so – that sort of ugly, scrunched-up-face crying that you see on babies who have too much gas – and along with it, he does this really whiny, annoying whimper. A very “nyah-nyah-nyah, I’m a big fat baby” sort of whimper. It’s practically begging for abuse!

For those of you who don’t know, I was a bully growing up. I am not particularly proud of this (because non-consent, bullies were typically people who were bullied, yada yada), but it is true, and also it turns out that being a childhood bully is a Major Selling Point™. “She’s authentic!,” potential subs think when they are reading about my past. And to be quite frank, I have never really quite progressed outside of that bully mindset when it comes to my humor. When I try to explain my love for ballbusting to vanilla people, I usually say, “Well, it’s like watching America’s Funniest Home Videos in real time,” because anybody who has seen the show knows that half of the videos on there are Anti-Darwinian people getting their nads smacked around. It’s funny!

The reason I bring this up is because there is something about whimpering, ugly-crying submissive that automatically ticks on the “BULLY” element of my personality. I go from 0-100 in no time at all. It’s almost like I am an animal with a very high prey drive, and something has just whizzed by my vision. I practically have no choice in this! And when it’s on Niteflirt, I get to indulge the bully side of me that would be highly inappropriate and unconsensual in normal life.

So he starts ugly crying and pleading no, but obviously anybody who does that is practically asking for it, so I urge him to punch himself in the balls. “Urge” might be a bit too understated. I aggressively bark at him to punch himself in the balls again. And again. And again. I believe this lasted for 45minutes or so. I was doing errands with the slave boyfriend, so I sat in the parking lot in the car while he ran inside the mall to pick up things, and when he came back, he started laughing because I was still so viciously tearing into this crying bitch.

Of course, someone like that will keep on calling back. Mattias called me back a couple more times the days following. He had mentioned also being interested in golden showers and cum eating, but I was more focused on the ballbusting element of it. It was just too funny to hear him cry! I couldn’t…not…tell him to punch himself in the balls.

On one of the days he called me, I made him punch himself in the balls 100 times consecutively. The catch was that I would make him start over each time he wasn’t punching himself in the balls hard enough. (You guys do know that I can always tell when you wimp out on various bodily tortures over the phone, right?) So I made him start over again…and again…and again. He must’ve punched himself in the balls over three hundred times during that call (and three hundred is a safe estimate).

In the end, he was worried that he would need to go to the hospital (but then he asked if I would make the doctors punch him in the balls for me, lol). Let’s be honest here – bitches like that rarely ever punch themselves in the nads hard enough to warrant a hospital visit. It’s actually quite difficult to punch your own balls that hard unless you have them tied up and restrained in some sort of way! So I didn’t believe him. It was just another bitch whining. In any case, he was doing that ugly crying again, which to me was always a good sign…for me, at least.

The last time he called, he said he didn’t want to do any more ballbusting and then started crying when the first words out of my mouth were, “Punch yourself in the balls, idiot.” I think he genuinely thinks that the only thing we will ever do on the phone is ballbusting. I was planning on letting him cum into a glass and then piss into the glass and drink it…I just wasn’t in the mood for that yet. Also, the more somebody says no to me, the more I will do something just because I can. I guess I’m a sick fuck or something.

So, jackass, if you’re reading this, you should punch yourself in the balls for me. 😉