So you’ve decided to finally see a Dominatrix for the first time ever! Congratulations. You are undoubtedly very nervous and probably full of questions. In order to make the transition from vanilla to kinky pervert all the smoother for you, you probably want to read this.
I see a lot of novices. In fact, on any given month, I estimate that at least 20% of my clients are brand spankin’ new – meaning I am their first professional BDSM experience. I’ve occasionally had months where more than 70% of my clients are new. I attribute it to my very strong social media presence (particularly Instagram).
My definition of a novice within professional Femdom varies, but for the most part, I define a novice as someone with five or less hours of professional experiences under their belt. It’s an arbitrary designation, but it’s what I’ve set it to, so there’s that.
And because I see so many novices and get so many of the same questions and pleas of reassurance, here is a handy dandy guide to give you an idea of all the ins and outs of a ProDomme session, including how to book, red flags and green flags, what to expect, what to prepare for, and how to take care of yourself afterwards, in relative chronological order.
This knowledge, of course, comes from my end as the professional Mistress, but also from years of talking to my subs about what they wish they did and didn’t do. Obviously all opinions should be taken with a grain of salt, but I’m also of the belief that I usually have some pretty solid advice in regards to BDSM life coaching (probably because I’ve read so many self help books).
How to pick a Dominatrix
With the advent of the internet and social media, this may seem immensely overwhelming. Dommes are a dime a dozen on Twitter, and kinky dating apps are overflowing with fakes who try to shill you out of “deposits” or “slave contracts”. With that in mind, the very first piece of advice I have for you is to take your time in booking. Just because a woman is hot does NOT mean she is a good Domme, nor is she even real.
I highly suggest booking with an experienced and legitimate Domme for your first professional session to safeguard you from bad experiences. I’ve met one too many subs who held off on sessioning because their first session was with a Domme who didn’t know what she was doing nor did she care about the sub. This can lead to lukewarm experiences at best, and at worst, severe bodily danger. Do not hire a professional who is not a professional. Simple.
Your first professional session will probably be meaningful and memorable to you. Choose somebody who understands that and who has both the experience and the passion to guide you along.
So how do you know if she’s experienced and legitimate? Take a look at her website. Does she even have a website? That should be your first indicator to whether someone is real. Nearly all legitimate Dommes have a website because it is typically the first source of contact and information about us. Read through her website. Read through as much as possible before corresponding with her. Her website is there for a reason – to give the viewer an understanding of what she is capable of. Get an idea of who she is and how she presents herself online. Does she sound like she knows what she’s talking about? Does she have photos or videos of herself in fetish gear? Does she talk about or have pictures of BDSM equipment (or at least the ones you are interested in)? A legitimate ProDomme will certainly have a wide variety of outfits and toys to accommodate nearly any scene. These items are inevitably quite expensive (I have personally spent tens of thousands on my repertoire of implements and outfits), but a necessary investment if one is to be a serious BDSM professional.
Also just as important (although less applicable to an older school of professional Femdom): does she have an active social media presence where she interacts with other professionals? Those of us that do this for the long run usually love our community and try to stay as current in it as possible. Seeing how she talks shop with other professionals online can provide you with invaluable insight of her perspective on BDSM.
Once you’ve verified the legitimacy of the ProDomme, it’s time to gauge compatibility. For example, if you want a sensual tease and denial session, a Dominatrix who presents herself as a pure spanko/disciplinarian, dresses up only in button-up blouses and business casual, and specifically says that she only likes corporal punishment sessions may not be the right fit for you. Make sure your interests align with hers. Just because she’s attractive does not necessarily mean she is the right one for you.
If you know what your specific interests are, here is where you can really start whittling down to a couple of Dommes. A thorough read of her website and perhaps her clips store (if she has one) should give you a pretty clear idea of what she likes. Perhaps you like ballbusting. Does she do a lot of videos involving the punching of balls? Or maybe you like toilet play. Does she talk about toilet play on her website or in her social media? Maybe you want someone strict and severe. Does she wax poetic about such related activities as POW play and slave training? You get the idea. If you like something, look for it on her website and social media. Session compatibility entails that the Mistress have the skills, equipment, and persona compatible to your personal fantasies.
If you don’t see your fetish on her site but still want to session with her, don’t be afraid to ask her whether she caters to that fetish when submitting your session application. Because BDSM is so vast, oftentimes we overlook activities and forget to mention them online. Other times, Mistresses want to try something new and different to their usual routine. As long as it’s not in her hard limits, it doesn’t hurt to ask.
Social media is an excellent way of getting an idea of a Domme’s personality. Not everyone is a writer and sometimes websites can feel staid, but social media (Twitter, particularly) is a much more casual insight into how a Mistress interacts with others. Do you like her energy? Does she say things that resonate with you? One important note, however, is that social media is not a session – so do not expect to write an annoying message to a Mistress asking her what she will do to you and expecting her to respond back seriously. If you’re not paying her for her services, do not expect a professional-grade response.
Sometimes you don’t know what you like yet, and that’s ok. Perhaps you just want to try something new over the humdrum of vanilla sex. Or maybe you know you like the woman being in charge, and that’s it. It’s important to say that to the Mistress in question while also mentioning all the experiences that brought you up to this point. She will probably ask whatever pertinent questions as a follow-up to gauge what direction she’ll take you in. This is where seeing a verified professional becomes very helpful – someone with a lot of experience will have more insight into what you may like and can guide your experience in a safe and intuitive manner.
If you’re still unsure of your compatibility with the Mistress after going through her website, social media, and clips store, go ahead and give her a paid call, text, or book a consultation if she offers them. These options are often much more economical than an actual session. For the more nervous types, I find that any of these options help soothe any anxieties before a realtime experience. Because these pre-session chats are not sessions, they will be low pressure and a bit more laid back. You’ll have a chance to talk candidly about your background and in turn, she can talk about what she can offer you in session. Use it as a chance to see if your interests and personality are aligned with the prospective Mistress’.
How to book with a Professional BDSM Mistress
You’ve finally narrowed it down to one or two (or maybe three) Mistresses that you want to session with. Great! That wasn’t so hard, was it? Now it’s time to finally take the next big step and book the damned session.
First off, have you read her website? I mean this truly and seriously: have you read her website? Have you read her FAQ? Have you read her interests? Have you read her hard limits? Have you read all the possible pertinent information about booking a session that you possibly can?
If you have, go ahead and book. If you haven’t, the likelihood is high that she (or I) will ignore you. It’s usually all too clear when somebody has not done their due diligence and has just filled out a contact form with zero knowledge of what they are going into. The information is on the website for a reason, and to not read it also entails that the Mistress will have to repeat numerous details that have already been established. That’s annoying. You don’t want to be annoying, do you? Because being annoying means not getting a session. And if you’ve made it this far, you probably want that session.
If she has a contact form, fill it out clearly, succinctly, and with detail. Do not input one-word responses that show zero effort – if you put in zero effort, the ProDomme will also want to put in zero effort. Thought and consideration make applicants stand out, and I guarantee you that you will want to stand out if it is a Domme who is in demand. I personally turn away at least 50% of applicants because they have not given my very thorough form any thought. I’m sure some of these applicants could have been a fun time, but crappy first impressions are major boner killers. You want me to have a boner, don’t you?
Contact forms are easy. All you have to do is fill them out. Really! Treat it like a job application. Try to impress the Dominatrix. Be on your best behavior. Be courteous, polite, and give as much info on yourself as reasonably possible. You don’t need to write a novel about yourself (in fact, if someone wrote a novel about themselves in my contact form, I would ignore the application and mark the applicant off as a narcissist), but you do need to give insight to who you are and why you are booking the session.
If your session interests are complex in nature, I highly recommend noting all of this thoroughly in your initial correspondence. If they are particularly long (nearing novella length), I suggest sending a small tribute as a thank you for reading or scheduling a consultation or phone call so that the time the Mistress spends on preparing for your session is compensated. While all sessions require some amount of preparation and clean up before and after, a complex session requires even more thought and effort upfront, and a thank you gift can help to highlight that. Do not go into the session and expect to drop all of your interests on the Mistress without a thorough introduction beforehand. This will not bode well for you as she may have prepared for a different scene and may not have the appropriate tools or outfits at hand.
If she uses an email address to book, do the same thing. Give as much information on who you are and what you are looking for as possible. Give your available times and dates. Tell her how long of a session you are looking for (“for life” is not an answer, jackasses). The session itself is an appointment like any other – doctor, hairstylist, massage – and the BDSM professional will need all pertinent logistical information to book. The less correspondence she has to do with you, the easier it is for both of you to book the session, so present all necessary logistical information immediately.
If she asks specific questions out of you, answer them. It’s a very straightforward process. Chances are that the Mistress has done this thousands of times already and knows exactly what she needs to ask and what information she needs to have. Go ahead and answer them truthfully. Don’t omit information just because you feel embarrassed about it. If you’re embarrassed about your needs and desires, I guarantee that they will never be met and fulfilled. The more insight we have on you, the better the session will be. I promise!
Many professional Dominatrices require deposits to secure a session. If she requires one, then expect to send one. There are many ways to send deposits without a paper trail, if privacy and discretion are a large concern for you. If you can’t agree on a means of deposit, then you probably will not be able to session with a Mistress that requires one… and that’s life! If you really want to session with her, I’m sure you can find a way.
With that in mind, scammers and impersonators are very common on the internet. To ensure that you are sending a deposit to the real Mistress, only contact her through all her official channels – namely, her website and any other methods listed on her website. For me, that would be Niteflirt and SextPanther, as well as occasionally through my clips sites and social media.
Before the BDSM Session
Treat the session like you are going to work, or maybe more like you are going on vacation. I say both because first impressions matter, but also your personal schedule should be sorted out before heading out to have fun.
If she has a confirmation procedure, be sure to follow that procedure to a T. I personally have a multistep, multi-day procedure that starts from the moment the session is put in my calendar up until the actual session itself. My procedure is put in place for a reason. It works splendidly, so it’s best to follow it rather than assuming the session will happen just because you sent in a deposit.
If you are the forgetful type, put the session and all the confirmation steps in your calendar, for chrissakes. You’ve made it this far – you don’t want to fudge it up just because you forgot to call in, right?
The night before the session, try to get a good night’s sleep. Sleep is one of the pillars of health, and if you’re out of it the day of, it’ll make everything else a lot more difficult – from having your hands tied up to taking more extreme sensations. You want to be cogent for your session. I know that your nerves will probably keep you up for a bit, but do your best to be as energized and relaxed as possible for playtime. You want to make the most of it.
On the day of, make sure you’re clean. I can’t believe I have to say this, but please arrive clean. Dominatrices will touch you and get all up in your personal space, so unless you want a session where you’re locked in a cage and ignored for three hours, take a shower before the session. Stinky slaves are gross. I have personally made people shower before their session because of a lack of personal hygiene, and I can assure you that the time spent doing your courteous ablutions will cut into your precious session time.
If you know that you don’t have time to clean yourself up before the session, ask the Mistress in advance if you can arrive a couple minutes early to take a shower. I’ve had many clients come straight to the dungeon after a long flight or after work, and as long as they let me know ahead of time, I’m more than happy to accommodate that.
Make sure you eat a little bit before your first session. You don’t need a full meal, but you do need to make sure your blood sugar levels are stable. Fainting in the middle of play is not fun, and especially since it is your first time, you probably will have no idea how your body will react to certain activities. It’s best to start the session in a stable sort of way, and nourishing your body is one of the best ways of doing that. If you haven’t had time to eat, consider bringing an energy bar or any kind of easy calories to the studio.
If you’re into anal play, I suggest learning how to do enemas. There is a lot of trial and error in this, so don’t worry about getting it right the first time…but at least make the effort.
If you’re into heavy bondage or pain play, I highly suggest stretching before the session. Cramps are no bueno.
Each session has its own nuances, and with time, you will learn what you need to personally do to prepare for the session. Your Mistress may give you instructions on this as well, and if she does, it’s best to follow them for your own good.
Oh also, don’t arrive drunk, wasted, or high until the point of sloppiness. While I know quite a few subs that do this (and am not particularly pleased about it), I am personally of the belief that your first professional Domination experience should be done sober. For one, you’ll better understand your own limits and capabilities as a bottom/submissive/slave/fetishist/whatever. For another, sobriety creates a consistency in your actions that makes it easier for the Top to read you. Unless your interest is specifically forced intoxication, sobriety should be the standard within most BDSM interactions. A small drink or toke to quell your nerves is fine, but enough to the point of slurring and falling makes the whole interaction consensually dubious.
Arrive at the location a couple minutes early. Leave some time to find the space, park (if you drove), and walk up the building. If you’re exceptionally early, let the Mistress know (and do not just knock on the door just because you’re early). If she’s ready, she may let you in early. If not, she will tell you to wait until she’s done getting ready. Do not assume that just because you are already there, she’s already ready. A good session requires preparation. Give her some notice.
What to expect during a ProDomme session
And you’re here! You’re finally here! You’ve researched your Mistress, succeeded in contacting her, sending a deposit, booking the session, confirming, and now you’re finally here!
You’re probably a bundle of nerves, and that’s ok. Your Mistress can probably tell (because pretty much all novices are nervous). It’s normal to be nervous. In fact, that means that you’re excited for the experience – and that’s good! Plus, sometimes anxious people are fun to scare…
You’re probably wondering how the session will start off. Will she open the door, grab you by the collar, drag you in, rip off your clothes, and just start beating you?
While that’s fun in fetish porn, I can tell you with full assurance that this will not happen with any reputable Domme. Your very first session with a Mistress means that both of you need to feel each other out. Most sessions begin with bringing the client into the dungeon, directing where to put the remaining tribute (if done in cash), and sitting the client down for a brief consultation. The session begins only after all of this is done.
While you may have answered a lot of questions online, there may have been certain subjects omitted or new questions that may arise on the Domme’s part after a second reading of your session application. This is the time when those questions will be asked and answered. I personally like to go over the client’s interests and hard limits again in person because I find that I can read a lot from someone’s body language while they are talking about their interests or background. An in-person consultation is invaluable to me as it can provide a lot of insight towards how someone truly feels about something – whereas most people are not that revealing when writing something down.
I also use this time to field any questions the client may have about me or the session. Remember: this is your experience. Feel free to ask whatever you need to have the fullest experience possible. And don’t worry about trying to act in a certain slave-like way if that’s not you. Be yourself.
This time usually does count towards the total session time, so while you may want to talk at length, keep that in mind. Most studios are rented by the hour, and frequently Dommes will have sessions before and after you, which means that the total length of interaction you have with the Dominatrix will be constrained to that time. Some people do want to just chat for the majority of the session time because they need time to get in the headspace, and that’s ok as well. Just be sure to consider that aspect about yourself when deciding how long of a session you want. (I’ve had people book two hours with the explicit understanding that we would be leisurely chatting while they had a glass of wine for the first hour.)
And of course, be polite. Although you may have already jerked off to this woman numerous times online, this does not give you permission to touch her inappropriately or call her “babe”. The Mistress will probably swiftly correct you if you step out of line. It’s best if you act like a good bitch from the very beginning. If you have any questions about how you should be behaving, just ask. Consent is the basis of all good BDSM relationships. Some Mistresses allow more touching than others. Some don’t mind if you call them pet names. Just ask.
Once the consultation is done, the Mistress will probably make it very clear that the actual playtime is beginning. She may ask if you need to use the restroom or have a glass of water before the session. Afterwards, you will more than likely end up fully undressing (contingent on the session), you will be given the safeword and/or further instructions, and the session will begin.
All well-equipped studios will come equipped with showers, restrooms, and water.
During the session, feel free to vocalize yourself. Be expressive. The people who are the most fun to play with are the most expressive ones – they’re easier to read and to banter with. Moan, squirm, make funny noises, let go! I liken subs who aren’t expressive to pet rocks – playing with a rock is just never going to be all that fun. Don’t be afraid to communicate! It makes it all the more entertaining for both parties at hand. After all, you’re probably exploring Femdom to explore another side of you. Don’t be afraid to let go and make the most of it!
And if you feel uncomfortable (in an unsexy way) during the session, make sure the Mistress knows. This could mean that your limbs are going numb, something is poking you in not-the-right place, or that something was done that ends up hurting you unproductively. There are loads of times where you will be intentionally uncomfortable throughout the session (like getting punched in the balls, if that’s your thing), but anything that seems unintentionally uncomfortable (like pulling a muscle) should be voiced immediately. While we are very good at reading subbies, we are not actual mindreaders. Don’t be afraid to use your safeword in its intended use!
At the end of the session, it will probably be wrapped up with some amount of aftercare. I personally enjoy talking about the session once it’s over. Many subs may feel overwhelmed (ideally in a good way) after the session and may find it hard to verbalize what they’re feeling. That’s perfectly fine! You’ve had a very intense experience and need time to recuperate and wind down. Because this so often happens, I like cleaning up the equipment and toys with the client afterwards. It is a shared activity for us to do to cleanly wrap up the session while giving the bottom time to process what just happened. It’s low pressure, casual, and a way for us to connect as people. I may offer a shower (if it’s a messy sort of session) or water once everything is finished. And finally, I like to hug all my clients before sending them on their merry, newly kinked-out way.
Of course, that’s just how I like to wrap things up. Other Dominatrices may do things differently.
After your first Female Domination session
You’ll probably be feeling a bit high or out of it after your first session. That’s perfectly normal. It’s the subspace wearing off, and you’ll want to taper back to reality comfortably. Part of why I like to chat and clean at the end of the session is to help ease that transition, but you may still be feeling it a bit as you head out the door.
If possible, try to take some time out for yourself right after the session. Give yourself space to process – if that means taking a walk, getting a drink, eating some food, or whatever it takes. The primary studio I work out of is directly adjacent to many restaurants and bars, and I have a lot of clients who like to walk over to one post-session get a glass of wine and decompress. I also have a lot of clients who make sure that they don’t need to immediately go back to work after a session because they find it harder to focus afterwards. The most ideal situation is to give yourself time to decompress right after.
If you are feeling lightheaded, please do not drive after the session. Get some food and water in yourself and wait until you’re feeling a bit more stable.
I personally love to hear back from my clients after their sessions with me, whether they’re novices or veterans. If your Mistress allows for it, email her back with some of your thoughts on the session. Most of us really enjoy this as it gives us notes on what to improve on and what we did well. Furthermore, it can be incredibly validating for us to hear about the impact we made on someone. The experience of the session is oftentimes powerful for both the Mistress and the slave.
Writing back to your Mistress isn’t just for her, however (even though I do love making everything about me). Writing can be a great way for you to organize your own thoughts about the session. What do you want to explore more of? What did you think you would like but ended up not liking in playtime? What surprised you? What did you learn about yourself?
All of these thoughts usually take a couple of days to percolate, so don’t worry about getting back to her immediately after. Sit with your thoughts for a couple of days and reflect on it. You may find that what you felt immediately after the session is far different a week later, usually for the better.
Take your time and research before booking. Don’t go for the first hot person you see.
Go to a legitimate Domme for your first session.
Look at her website. Seriously, look at her website.
Gauge your compatibility to the Dominatrix via her website, social media, and clips.
If you’re unsure about the Mistress, contact her through her paid lines (Niteflirt, SextPanther, whatever she uses) or schedule a consultation to see if you mesh well with her.
Treat your first correspondence with her like a job application – be that through her contact form, email, or whatever application process she uses.
Sometimes you don’t know what you like yet, and that’s ok. Be honest and truthful about your background that brought you to her so she can guide you along.
Follow her confirmation procedure, if she has one. It should be pretty straightforward.
Get some sleep the night before.
Make sure you eat a little bit before the session to keep your blood sugar levels stable.
Be in a stable mindset when you arrive – don’t arrive inebriated. A small drink is fine. A sloppy drink is not.
Get to the location a couple minutes early. Do not enter the premises without her permission.
The session will not begin the moment she opens the door (especially for your first session ever). She will usually conduct an in-person consultation before any play starts.
Be polite. This is someone you have just met, therefore treat them like someone you just met. Ask before touching or calling her a certain nickname. You may be participating in intimate activities, but you are still getting to know each other. Get consent before assuming.
Be expressive! Communicate your needs!
Don’t be afraid to use the safeword appropriately.
If possible, give yourself time to process and come down from subspace. Eating a meal, getting a drink, or taking a walk afterwards is always a nice option.
If your Mistress allows it, email her back with your thoughts on the session once you’ve had a decent amount of time to digest what has just happened. It’s a great way for the Mistress to feel good about what she does, and an excellent way for you to figure out what you are looking for in BDSM.
And that’s it! It may all seem oh-so-very overwhelming at first, but thousands (millions???) of slaves, subs, bottoms, masochists, fetishists, and curious perverts have done it before you, and thousands (millions???) of them will do it after you. Once you get your first BDSM Domination session out of the way, your second session will be far less daunting.
You may never get rid of the nervousness of meeting a new Domme for the first time, and that’s ok. But at least you’ll have an idea of what you’re walking into now.
And with that said, I wish you luck on your first kinky adventure, perverts!
PS: first photo by Ryan Bussard.
Warning: Adult and sadomasochistic content ahead
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