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Why I do what I do: A brief Femdom genesis story

I am frequently asked about how and why I became a Dominatrix, so for sake of concision (and also because I do not enjoy repeating myself), here’s a little background.

I was a web developer for two years. While it was not what I initially set out to do in life, I did it because it was my first serious job out of college and because it paid well. I was not complacent, per se, about it, but I was definitely still figuring out what the hell I was going to do with my life.

I did not enjoy it. I was good at it, but I was not happy. It reached a point where I found myself waking up one morning, pulling out my laptop in the kitchen (my impromptu office as I worked from home), and staring out the window, wondering if this was what the rest of my life was to be like.

A week later, a happy circumstance occurred. One of my best friends sent me a friend’s Facebook request looking for a Mistress, no experience required. While I had never explicitly told my friend that I was into Femdom, I had always been someone who was open about sexual exploration (as well as a dominant personality). I did not think twice and immediately contacted the person in question.

He listed out his interests and I immediately knew I was into it. I didn’t know whether or not I could do some of these things in good conscience (I mean, CBT sounded great and all, but how much could I really push that? Was it legal??), nor did I know if there was any protocol in interacting with him in the correspondences leading up to the session, but I was curious and eager to learn. I already had a Fetlife at that time, so I did some research and found out that in the US, one could apprentice at a dungeon before going independent. I found the closest dungeon to me – DOILA, at that time – and immediately called them to set up an interview.

Within the first two months and couple of sessions, I knew this was what I wanted to do. I decided to transition out of my web development job within six months and be self-sufficient on Pro-Domming within one year. I worked my ass off for it.

The process towards getting to where I am today was not easy by any means. I obsessively devoured classes, books, and films to learn as much as I could about the craft as possible. I worked 14h double shifts at the dungeon to gain as much experience as possible. I’ve accidentally singletail whipped myself more times than I can count. I’ve dealt with men’s accidental fecal problems far more than the layman should ever have to deal with. And I can still say it was all and still is worth it.

I know you all want to think that Female Supremacy and Domination is all glitz and glamour, and perhaps I am ruining that fantasy by revealing the less-than-savory moments – but I am doing this to have you realize that despite all the downsides, I still love what I do. I genuinely consider Domination my current life passion.

I can talk about the technical aspects I enjoy about BDSM – be it the insanely hot outfits I wear (or make my subs wear) on a regular basis, the joys of learning various activities like bondage, corporal punishment, CBT, anal play, hypnotism, the interesting types of people I get to meet along the way, the traveling and spoiling and presents, or any number sorts of upsides to being a dominatrix – but right now, I would rather talk about what Domination has given me.

There are very few moments in life where you find yourself in such a state of harmonic bliss, where actions, words, and feelings flow out in serendipitous ways. Imagine conducting a beautiful orchestral symphony over the course of a couple of hours – the highs, the lows, and the beautiful satisfaction of having completed it: a perfect session gives me just that. I have had so many moments of walking into a session feeling physically out of sorts and having walked out forgetting all my previous ills. I’ve left on an uplifting high. A truly great session will make my week.

At its most superficial, the greatness comes from the adrenaline high. I am frequently laughing and smiling throughout the session, and if you find me in a particularly concentrated effort, I will begin humming and singing. Why shouldn’t I be having fun, after all?

And then there is the intellectual rush – a puzzlesolving “a-ha!” moment when I tie key facets together to create a beautiful scene. I cherish these moments. They teach me about how intricate scenes can be and help to constantly reshape how I view BDSM. They open my eyes up to the infinite layers of humanity that affect our every action. They humble me in how much more I have to learn…because yes, even Dominants should be humbled from time to time.

But more than anything else, I believe the greatness of a session comes from a true energetic connection with the sub. I feed off of your energy, be it fear, excitement, arousal, pain, or desire. I play into it and mirror it back to you. Each time you give me your energy and efforts, I will reflect back my intents tenfold. I thrive on this back and forth. It’s like an endless game of cat-and-mouse, with me prowling while you are shuddering. I want you to laugh, cry, and shake. I have so much to give you, so long as you dedicate yourself to giving your all to me.

Submissives frequently ask me, “What can I do to please you?” Here’s the secret: I’m really not that hard to please (wink!). I have a wonderful life with a vocation that I absolutely adore, and I’m really quite fulfilled as a person. I do not consider myself lacking in any way. Therefore, all I ask is that when we play, you give me your best efforts in mind, body, and soul – let me consume you. Make me smile, laugh, and sing. In turn, I will create a singular moment that will be shared only by the two of us, and I think we will both walk away with a little skip in our step before the night is over.

xx An Li