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On social media, dominance, and authenticity

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Sometimes when I spend too much time on social media, I start questioning who I am. Should I be more like this? Should I do more of that? Am I too happy? Am I too sad? Who am I?

I’m sure all of you have had that experience. Social media can be, after all, an endless feedback loop of emotional masochism. Be more attractive, be more successful, be more everything, and of course, be much better than who you are.

I get this way a lot with my Pro-Domme peers. I’ll spend a little too much time on Twitter, and soon enough, I’ll be down a rabbit hole of validation-based immolation. Here are a couple of thoughts that regularly pop up for me:

  • “I need to wear more leather and rubber.”
  • “I don’t look intimidating enough.”
  • “I should try to be more of a seductress.”
  • “I’m too fat.”
  • “My ass isn’t big enough.”
  • “I’m not as successful as her.”
  • “Does she not want to be my friend?”
  • “Do I do too many hand jobs in videos?”
  • “I should dress more ‘domme-y’.”
  • “I need to be meaner.”

I dwelled in it for a bit and felt bad for myself. And then I snapped out of it, reminding myself that I am very happy the way I am.

It has taken me some period of time to reach this place. I used to have complete breakdowns based on my very limited perception of who I was versus how my peers represented themselves. Some days, I snap out of it faster than others. Other days, I mope in self-pity for a while, truly feeling not good enough.

Social media makes it a little too easy to doubt one’s self. Spending time on it can be so confounding for me, because on the one hand, Twitter is an endless well of kinky inspiration. On the other hand, I find myself comparing myself with other Dommes, taking notes on what I lack and how I need to be better. And ultimately, I begin to dismiss my own Dominance. I truly begin to feel as if I am not good enough.

And here’s the thing: there is no one form of Dominance. Sure, there are archetypes. There are disciplinarian leather Mistresses, glamorous rubber fetishists, sultry three-piece lingerie vixens – the list of attributes goes on and on. BDSM creates a multitude of archetypes to represent Dominance, and we in turn, as Pro-Dommes, are expected to embody them. But these are heightened fantasies. They’re meant to be extreme, and they’re meant to be out of this world and unattainable. They are all wonderful and divine…and they also aren’t always me. (Which is not to say anything less about the rare Women who naturally carry this energy throughout their daily lives. They are rare and magical creatures. Hold on to them tightly.)

Sure, I can and have embodied these roles. If you catch me on a good day, I might even get into a full rubber catsuit for you. But just because I am not glamorous 24/7 (or even 9-5/7) does not mean my dominance is any less diminished. Dominance is complex, and ultimately, so much of it is in the eye of the beholder. What is Dominant for one person is submissive to another. What is sexy to one person is repulsive to another.

Here is the example I like to use the most: in my lifestyle D/s relationships, I am both bossy and lazy. I spend enough energy micromanaging people in session that I’d rather kick back and do nothing on my off days. I like getting spoiled. I’m sometimes quite petulant (just because I can, not necessarily because I am). Now obviously, between me and my slaves, I am the Dominant one in this scenario. But one could entirely flip the situation around and say that I’m a brat or little girl type of bottom. After all, brats in BDSM like to talk back. And little girls are often spoiled and taken care of by their Daddies. Really, the thin line separating me and a submissive is that I know I am not submissive, and my slaves know the same as well.

External deciders like the outfits I choose, the personality I have, and the activities I enjoy do not impact who I am as a Dominant person. Dominance comes from within. (cheesy, yes)

When I first started domming, I had an entire idea of who I thought I was as a Dominant – and she was every bit the archetype that any layperson thinks of when they think of a Dominatrix. Cold, vicious, cruel, with cutting words and a Cruella de Vil wardrobe. A leather and latex Bitch with a perpetual sneer.

I loved being her, but something also didn’t feel right. It took me a couple of years to find my own Dominant persona, and I still am refining her each day. But more importantly, she changes from day to day. She doesn’t need to embody a specific archetype to validate her dominance.

Here’s one of the first baby Domme photos. I don’t have a mohawk anymore and I wear a lot less corsets now (turns out if I wear them for too long, I get irrationally angry…), but I still love leather.

Most Pro-Dommes know that it takes a bit of time to find your voice – both literal and mental – and I found this to be stunningly true with each passing year. And the thing is that this voice needs to be genuine, or why even bother? We’re not actually in the business of being actresses. We’re here to play. Domination is an outlet for creative and personal expression. It is something that is incredibly sacred to me, and having come close to burning out many times, I refuse to allow that to happen just because I chose to not be true to myself.

I’ve spent this year really thinking about who I am as a Mistress. What kind of Mistress am I? How would I characterize myself? How do others see me? And while I have gotten quite a few common descriptors, I still don’t fully have an answer to that. Because the fact of the matter is that who we are as people is so complex that to narrow that down to a couple of words would be a disservice to all those involved. I could tell you that I’m quite sweet in sessions, but I could also tell you about the time where I kicked a man to the floor while he was crying. I could tell you that I’m not that into slave training, but then my cleaning slaves could tell you about my laundry list of protocol I have each time they walk into my house. I could tell you that I’m not that into seduction, but I could also tell you that one of my favorite sessions ever was the time I gave a sub his first full body orgasm with my breath alone.

I could tell you many things about myself, and then I could tell you something to immediately disprove it. And regardless of all of that, what I can tell you in 100% full confidence is that I am Dominant. The outfits, the activities, the persona – those are all fluff. They are cultural signifiers to tell the world, “Hey, look at me, I’ve put some simplified and direct labels on myself to tell you that I am Dominant.” These labels are fun and easy, but they are not the whole truth of it. The truth of the matter is that if I want to dominate someone in pajamas, no make-up, and a friendly smile on, I am not diminishing my own dominance in any sort of way. And neither are you (to any Dommes reading this)!

Sure, the Domme archetypes are magical and delightful to wear for a day (or a year). They’ve taught me a lot about who I am and who I am not. I draw on a little bit of each whenever I play. But I also want you to know that you and I, we are all perfectly Dominant the way we are, and we don’t need to concede to a simplified ideology to show that. Don’t worry about what social media, porn, or other subs tell you what you need to be in order to be Dominant. Just trust in who you are, and let that guide you along your kinky path. Be authentic about it. Be your own goddamn, authentic, fabulous, Dominant self.

So who am I today? I am currently in T-shirt and shorts. My phone has been blowing up with slaves begging me to make them eat cum and poop. I’ve been sitting on the couch all day. I’m planning out my next corporal punishment and latex maid shoots. I made dinner. And I still feel sexy and Dominant as hell, all hiccups aside. 💋

Blog

Now introducing…domination specials for practice dummies!

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I know, I know. I have always said that domination is a luxury and that I will never do special rates for anybody or any activity. I still believe it, however…there are always activities I would love more practice on!

Given that my personal practice interests tend to be on the heavier side of things, I don’t get as much play and practice with these activities as I would like and am now offering specials to be my test dummies for a couple of specific activities. These activities are currently single-tail whippingsuturing (medical play), and rope suspension bondage. From month to month, I may change up which activities are available for practice dummy rates depending on my mood or comfort with these activities.

So here’s what you probably want to know the most: how much of a discount is it? These sessions will be a whopping $100 off the hourly tribute (which, if you have sessioned with me, you will know is quite a significant price difference).

Here are the requirements to fall under test dummy session:

  1. The session must consist solely of the single activity you have requested. This means it will be entirely single-tail whipping, or entirely suturing, or entirely rope suspension bondage. There will be no variant or multiples upon these activities (ie: I will not do a session of both whipping or suturing, or whipping and rope suspension, etc.)
  2. The session does not involve any other fetish activities or requests. Anything additional will fall in the realm of standard session, and therefore, tributed like a standard session.
  3. The session is a one-hour minimum session.

A caveat: since these are purely practice dummy sessions, I will not be dressing up in fancy domination gear as this is my own personal practice time. It will just be me, wonderfully plain ol’ me in street clothes and my devious self. And also, to reiterate: I will not be accepting any requests for fetishes outside of the prescribed test dummy activities as the session will immediately become normally tributed.

Since these are heavier sessions, please ensure that you are in good health before enquiring about these specific activities. Should you safeword out of practice dummy-ing, the session will end at my discretion. I have no intention of wasting my time by  going lightly (particularly with single-tailing).

Here are some more details on what I’m looking for in practice dummy applicants:

  • Single-tail whipping: high pain tolerance (or the willingness to reach that 😉 ), no previous issues with fainting or epilepsy, ability to take marks on back, ass, and genitalia
  • Suturing: high pain tolerance for needles, ability to take sutures on genitalia/crotch region, chest/belly, and although not necessarily, would love to be able to suture your lips! If you are open to suturing in even more areas (hands, toes, whatever), even better. I will be removing the sutures at the end. Obviously, no fear of needles…
  • Rope suspension bondage: flexible with no joint or mobility issues. Please stretch thoroughly before coming to see me.

I may be referring to videos, my phone, or books for guidance during these practice dummy specials. This is, after all, a practice session. I am merely using your body for my suitable purposes. What this should also alert to you is that again, this is not a standard session. I will not be seducing you or engaging with you in any way outside of what is necessary within my practice. It will be informal, and we may chat a bit. Again, I reiterate that this is not a standard session.

That’s it for now! Should I think of anything else to add on to my requirements or limitations, I will be editing this post at a later date. Standard booking procedure applies.

Sounds like this is up your alley? Well then, I’m looking forward to using your flesh…

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li
Travel

Thanksgiving doubles with Domina Yuki in SF/OAK

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I’m excited to announce doubles with Domina Yuki in San Francisco and Oakland from November 21st to 26th for my upcoming fall trip to the Bay Area!

I first met Domina Yuki earlier this year, after a seemingly endless amount of correspondence while we tried to meet up each time I was in the Bay Area. I’m glad we finally did as we had been following each other on Twitter and admiring each other’s work for quite some time. Upon meeting, we both realized we had a very shared history in numerous ways…but that is a story for another time.

For those not in the know, Domina Yuki is a well-established presence in the Bay Area Femdom scene, having been a practitioner of Female Domination for a decade. Her skillset is vast and confident, and I’m excited to play with her as our interests are remarkably similar! We are both sensory overload gearheads with predilections for bondage of all sorts and a natural proclivity towards sadism. We both attest to the merits of female supremacy. We both have wicked wardrobes. And of course, we both love subjugating men under our heels through whatever means necessary! I cannot wait to see what sorts of predicaments we trap our slaves with – and I am certain we will be giggling in delight the entire time.

For those lucky to have played with both of us, now is your chance to partake in a devilishly doubles delight. Our interests are not limited to those listed above – from a sensual seduction to a strict savagery, part of the fun in Domination is our protean manipulation to bring you down to a quivering mess. Tell us your secrets, and we’ll show you how deep that rabbithole goes…

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li
Travel

London BDSM Sessions

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London!

I have arrived in you safe and sound (and a little bit wet), and I am ready to put you in your place. I will be in town for a little over a month, taking appointments from Thursday, June 16th, to Saturday, July 16th – plenty of time for you to get your fix more than once. I will be holding sessions in or adjacent to Central London at assorted private playspaces. Please note that, per usual, I will be require deposits for all sessions.

For the first half of My stay in June, I am being hosted by Asian Goddess Maya Liyer. We will be shooting and taking double sessions, as well as exploring the city together. Inquire via My contact page about how you may enhance My stay and serve Us.

Let’s not forget about July – For the second half of My stay, I will be hosted by Mistress Evilyne, hardsports Domina extraordinaire! Scat Queens unite! Perhaps you will be lucky enough to submit underneath Us as Our personal toilet. Dream of having two Goddesses use you for Our excretory entertainment? Now is the time…

And for the entirety of the month, I will be exploring London and its illustrious BDSM social scene. Fancy taking Me out for a nice dinner and a night on the town? Outcall social sessions are also available upon request. Spoil and lavish Me for a night you surely will not forget. And how could you? A Mistress like Me is not all too common…

You may get in touch with Me via Niteflirt (1-800-863-5478 ext: 10251003) or My new London appointment line, 07427915751. Please note that for the latter, this line is only available for session inquiries  from 9AM to 9PM. Any further chit chat is to be conducted through My tributed Niteflirt line.

Let’s make My first London trip a memorable one.

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li
Travel

Play Parties, DomCon, & London

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Before I begin: a heartfelt thank you to everybody I played with in DC and NYC this year. I am absolutely exhausted and spent, but every minute was worth it. I had some incredible sessions that will remain very near and dear to My heart for a long time. Expect Me back in early fall of this year…

And for My grand return to Los Angeles, a whirlwind of events are upon us!

Tonight (Thursday, May 12th), I will be playing at the Eyes Wide Shut, Mouth Wide Open play party at Isabella Sinclaire’s Ivy Manor in DTLA. This night will be a special one – world renowned Bossy Bitch Delilah is in town to grace all simpering slaves with Her presence. The party features some of the most elite pro-dommes in Los Angeles, and this is your chance to woo Us all. Attending Mistresses include Mistress Isabella Sinclaire, Goddess Eden Winter, Kink Goddess Aiden Starr, Mistress Jewell Marceau, Mistress Nicolette Rule, Princess Marx, Mistress Stella Liberty, Lady Grace MarieSiren Savannah, and of course, Yours Truly. Prostrate yourself before Us.

Tomorrow (Friday, May 13th), I will be attending Deviants Ball 2016. With so many glamorous Friends attending and a night of decadence promised, how could I say no? Drop by and buy Me a drink if you dare.

The following week, from May 18th to 22nd, I will be attending the annual DomCon Los Angeles as a Special Guest for the third year in a row. I genuinely look forward to DomCon each year because it’s such an incredible way of meeting Pro-Dommes from all over. Where else (apart from DomCon Atlanta) can you find such a group of powerful kinky Women all in one place? And of course, it’s a lovely way of finally touching base with Mistresses outside of Twitter or texts. While the internet is convenient, there’s nothing like a good ol’ fashioned physical hangout. I will be shooting and sessioning in between classes, parties, and awards shows, so feel free to get in touch with Me during this time. And of course, don’t be shy – come up and say hello if you see Me!

On Saturday, May 28th, I will be performing onstage at Bar Sinister for the monthly Femme Domme Fatale, presented by Mistress Bella Bathory. I had a blast at last time’s performance and administered many a wicked beating, and am back at it again to discipline the masses! I will be performing alongside My good friend, Mistress Bettie Bondage, as well as Asia Adore, Celestial Seraphim, Lady Lingerie, Mistress Kara, and Pele.

And finally, LONDON. One whole month in London town, taking sessions from June 15th to July 15th, summer 2016. No rest for the wicked, and you can be sure that I will be wicked. Soak it in, subbies, soak it in.

Are you as excited as I am? Prove it.

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li
Travel

East Coast & Europe Travels

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Darling submissives, slaves, masochists, fetishists, and lurky-lurks –

East Coast spring sessions are coming up in a little over a week! I am taking My inaugural trip to Washington, D.C. from April 26th to May 2nd, and then hopping on over to New York City from May 3rd to May 10th. Two whole weeks on the other side of the States…take it in while you can.

As it is My first time traveling DC, I am highly encouraging public dining and play sessions. An evening or afternoon of fine dining and wining, followed by private play at My space – what could be more memorable?

I will be taking my sessions at a private space in Bloomingdale, Washington DC, right in the heart of the district.

For NYC, I will be taking My sessions in Manhattan at Parthenon close to Herald Square, as well as another private space to be announced.

And of course, let’s not forget London! I will be flying over to the other side of the pond to the United Kingdom from June 15th to July 15th – one entire month of sessions in Europe! I will be taking My sessions at various playspaces throughout the city, and am currently leaning towards Hoxton Dungeon Suites for most of My playtimes. I am also open to suggestions. Again, since it will be My first time in London, I am also highly encouraging dine and play sessions. Take Me out and show Me around a new city.

Please alert Me of all your special requests as early as possible. While I’d love to carry all My gear wherever I go, I do have to pack relatively efficiently. Any unique needs should be noted and packed as early as possible.

I can’t wait and am absolutely tingling with excitement at all the deviousness to come!

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li