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On social media, dominance, and authenticity

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Sometimes when I spend too much time on social media, I start questioning who I am. Should I be more like this? Should I do more of that? Am I too happy? Am I too sad? Who am I?

I’m sure all of you have had that experience. Social media can be, after all, an endless feedback loop of emotional masochism. Be more attractive, be more successful, be more everything, and of course, be much better than who you are.

I get this way a lot with my Pro-Domme peers. I’ll spend a little too much time on Twitter, and soon enough, I’ll be down a rabbit hole of validation-based immolation. Here are a couple of thoughts that regularly pop up for me:

  • “I need to wear more leather and rubber.”
  • “I don’t look intimidating enough.”
  • “I should try to be more of a seductress.”
  • “I’m too fat.”
  • “My ass isn’t big enough.”
  • “I’m not as successful as her.”
  • “Does she not want to be my friend?”
  • “Do I do too many hand jobs in videos?”
  • “I should dress more ‘domme-y’.”
  • “I need to be meaner.”

I dwelled in it for a bit and felt bad for myself. And then I snapped out of it, reminding myself that I am very happy the way I am.

It has taken me some period of time to reach this place. I used to have complete breakdowns based on my very limited perception of who I was versus how my peers represented themselves. Some days, I snap out of it faster than others. Other days, I mope in self-pity for a while, truly feeling not good enough.

Social media makes it a little too easy to doubt one’s self. Spending time on it can be so confounding for me, because on the one hand, Twitter is an endless well of kinky inspiration. On the other hand, I find myself comparing myself with other Dommes, taking notes on what I lack and how I need to be better. And ultimately, I begin to dismiss my own Dominance. I truly begin to feel as if I am not good enough.

And here’s the thing: there is no one form of Dominance. Sure, there are archetypes. There are disciplinarian leather Mistresses, glamorous rubber fetishists, sultry three-piece lingerie vixens – the list of attributes goes on and on. BDSM creates a multitude of archetypes to represent Dominance, and we in turn, as Pro-Dommes, are expected to embody them. But these are heightened fantasies. They’re meant to be extreme, and they’re meant to be out of this world and unattainable. They are all wonderful and divine…and they also aren’t always me. (Which is not to say anything less about the rare Women who naturally carry this energy throughout their daily lives. They are rare and magical creatures. Hold on to them tightly.)

Sure, I can and have embodied these roles. If you catch me on a good day, I might even get into a full rubber catsuit for you. But just because I am not glamorous 24/7 (or even 9-5/7) does not mean my dominance is any less diminished. Dominance is complex, and ultimately, so much of it is in the eye of the beholder. What is Dominant for one person is submissive to another. What is sexy to one person is repulsive to another.

Here is the example I like to use the most: in my lifestyle D/s relationships, I am both bossy and lazy. I spend enough energy micromanaging people in session that I’d rather kick back and do nothing on my off days. I like getting spoiled. I’m sometimes quite petulant (just because I can, not necessarily because I am). Now obviously, between me and my slaves, I am the Dominant one in this scenario. But one could entirely flip the situation around and say that I’m a brat or little girl type of bottom. After all, brats in BDSM like to talk back. And little girls are often spoiled and taken care of by their Daddies. Really, the thin line separating me and a submissive is that I know I am not submissive, and my slaves know the same as well.

External deciders like the outfits I choose, the personality I have, and the activities I enjoy do not impact who I am as a Dominant person. Dominance comes from within. (cheesy, yes)

When I first started domming, I had an entire idea of who I thought I was as a Dominant – and she was every bit the archetype that any layperson thinks of when they think of a Dominatrix. Cold, vicious, cruel, with cutting words and a Cruella de Vil wardrobe. A leather and latex Bitch with a perpetual sneer.

I loved being her, but something also didn’t feel right. It took me a couple of years to find my own Dominant persona, and I still am refining her each day. But more importantly, she changes from day to day. She doesn’t need to embody a specific archetype to validate her dominance.

Here’s one of the first baby Domme photos. I don’t have a mohawk anymore and I wear a lot less corsets now (turns out if I wear them for too long, I get irrationally angry…), but I still love leather.

Most Pro-Dommes know that it takes a bit of time to find your voice – both literal and mental – and I found this to be stunningly true with each passing year. And the thing is that this voice needs to be genuine, or why even bother? We’re not actually in the business of being actresses. We’re here to play. Domination is an outlet for creative and personal expression. It is something that is incredibly sacred to me, and having come close to burning out many times, I refuse to allow that to happen just because I chose to not be true to myself.

I’ve spent this year really thinking about who I am as a Mistress. What kind of Mistress am I? How would I characterize myself? How do others see me? And while I have gotten quite a few common descriptors, I still don’t fully have an answer to that. Because the fact of the matter is that who we are as people is so complex that to narrow that down to a couple of words would be a disservice to all those involved. I could tell you that I’m quite sweet in sessions, but I could also tell you about the time where I kicked a man to the floor while he was crying. I could tell you that I’m not that into slave training, but then my cleaning slaves could tell you about my laundry list of protocol I have each time they walk into my house. I could tell you that I’m not that into seduction, but I could also tell you that one of my favorite sessions ever was the time I gave a sub his first full body orgasm with my breath alone.

I could tell you many things about myself, and then I could tell you something to immediately disprove it. And regardless of all of that, what I can tell you in 100% full confidence is that I am Dominant. The outfits, the activities, the persona – those are all fluff. They are cultural signifiers to tell the world, “Hey, look at me, I’ve put some simplified and direct labels on myself to tell you that I am Dominant.” These labels are fun and easy, but they are not the whole truth of it. The truth of the matter is that if I want to dominate someone in pajamas, no make-up, and a friendly smile on, I am not diminishing my own dominance in any sort of way. And neither are you (to any Dommes reading this)!

Sure, the Domme archetypes are magical and delightful to wear for a day (or a year). They’ve taught me a lot about who I am and who I am not. I draw on a little bit of each whenever I play. But I also want you to know that you and I, we are all perfectly Dominant the way we are, and we don’t need to concede to a simplified ideology to show that. Don’t worry about what social media, porn, or other subs tell you what you need to be in order to be Dominant. Just trust in who you are, and let that guide you along your kinky path. Be authentic about it. Be your own goddamn, authentic, fabulous, Dominant self.

So who am I today? I am currently in T-shirt and shorts. My phone has been blowing up with slaves begging me to make them eat cum and poop. I’ve been sitting on the couch all day. I’m planning out my next corporal punishment and latex maid shoots. I made dinner. And I still feel sexy and Dominant as hell, all hiccups aside. 💋

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A scat play primer, or why some people like to eat shit

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I shit on a lot of people. And I mean that in a very literal sort of sense. I take off my panties, I squat over the slave (usually their mouth), and I take a big fat dump on top of them, typically aiming for the mouth. Most slaves usually aim for full consumption, meaning that they try to swallow my doodoo. I do this quite frequently. On my busiest weeks, I have shat on a new person every single day of the week! Scat play is easily one of my most requested interests.

You could say it’s a bit of a specialty of mine. And happily so! I think it’s hilarious to shit on people, and I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined being paid handsomely for it. I genuinely believe I was meant to shit on men. I know that childhood vanilla An Li (before she became An Li) would be so proud of Daddy An Li today.

I’ve been meaning to write this article for a while, since I always get questions about this particular fetish once I make it known that I partake in this sort of play. So here ya go!

What is full toilet training?

Full toilet training (FTT or FT) is also known as hardsports (HS), scat play, or more formally, coprophilia (copro). It is the particular use of defecation within BDSM, be it on someone, around someone, etc. The poop itself often comes with euphemistic names such as caviar/kaviar, fudge, chocolate, or really whatever you’d like to call it. The “full” within “full toilet training” specifically denotes scat within the play, whereas “toilet training” can be a more ambiguous term intended for either piss and/or shit.

As a general whole, when somebody asks for toilet training, I assume they are asking for full toilet training. Most people who ask for just piss typically use the term “golden showers (GS)” or “watersports (WS)”. I feel the need to clarify this because I’ve recently had a couple of novices request toilet training under the assumption that it referred to only watersports, but this is not true. Had I not clarified with them, the results could have been potentially disastrous! Obviously, FTT is not for everyone. It’s important to specifically denote which type of activity you are asking for for that reason.

One reason it is typically referred to within a “training” context is because the activity itself is not easy. It oftentimes does require a bit more training or encouragement to swallow (if that is your particular goal), and especially so to consume a large load (which mine typically are). Most toilet slaves need multiple attempts before being able to swallow any significant portion. “Training” can also refer to the particular process of dehumanizing someone into something less than human, or a toilet. Of course, not everybody sees it like this – for some people, full toilet training can be an activity that lifts them up. For others, it is a degrading activity intended to humble and minimize themselves.

Do you shit in their mouths? How do you do that?

Typically, yes, I shit in their mouths. I largely do this because it is a preference of mine (less mess, more direct, also a lot funnier) and also because it is a common request in the realm of scat play. Not everybody asks for this. Some people want me to shit on their hands while kneeling behind me so that they can hold my shit in a reverent, kneeling manner, other people want me to shit on their cock so they can jerk off to it, other people want me to shit on a plate so that I make them eat it with a knife and fork, other people want me to mail my shit to them…the possibilities are really quite endless within scat play. Like all playtimes, it depends on the particular mood and goal of mine and the sub’s.

Forced full consumption is a common theme of hard sports, meaning they want to be made to eat all of it. This is my most popular request. Frequently, this involves some sort of bondage for an element of inescapability, consensual non-consent without a safeword, some (consensual) threats to provide a proper impetus, and a lot of patience. Admittedly, most of my subbies who ask for full consumption have trouble actually consuming all of it in part because I usually have surprisingly large loads.

I never allow direct intimate contact during FTT. Some toilet fetishists fantasize about being human toilet paper, meaning they want to wipe me clean (read: lick my dirty asshole). I don’t allow this (and also from a purely technical standpoint, a dirty shit tongue would not make for very effective toilet paper). Some shit boys also dream of me sitting directly on their faces to shit on them – also another activity I never do because of my personal preferences and hard limits. I typically use a toilet chair or squat on top of something to poop on slaves, and yes, they do see my asshole. While I don’t allow for nudity in most of my sessions, I figure that if you are going out of your way to undergo such an extreme activity as scat play, you deserve to see my asshole in the process. 😉

Isn’t scat play gross?

Yes, of course it is. It’s poop. What kind of question is that?

Luckily for my shitheads, I have a very high tolerance for gross activities. Full toilet training is not a common activity offered by many Mistresses is because it’s an inherently a hard-to-swallow activity (did you see the pun I made there?). Hardsports can be viscerally difficult to be around.

Conversely, many slaves fantasize about scat play, but when the shit hits the fan (lol), not everybody has the stomach for it (lol). It’s only natural for your body to want to reject human excrement. If this happens to you your first, second, or third time, don’t fret! This is a common response.

I typically find that the difficulty of the activity makes the appeal stronger in hindsight, even if someone vows never to try it again. Most boys I know do try it again. 😉

How do you schedule your poop? What do you eat?

Every Dominatrix who does hardsports has their own routine for this. I personally have my bowel movements scheduled to a fairly precise science. Because I require an earlier notification for all sessions (and particularly for scat play sessions), I have time to prepare my body. I have regular bowel movements during a specific time range once a day, and I work around that. I typically eat quite healthily at regular hours and drink quite a bit of water. Based on what I’ve eaten, the size of my meals, the time of my meals, my water consumption, the hours during which I go to sleep and wake up, the time of my last bowel movement, and the general feeling of my body that day (or week), I can predict when my next shit will happen.

I’ve always been a bit…anal retentive about my bowel movements. 😉

Sometimes I can’t shit on someone right on time. This is part of the nature of the game. Controlling the subconscious movements of your body is a futile game, so it’s important to know that the full toilet training may not actually occur before going into a session. I know some Dominatrices have on-call toilet slaves at their play spaces, however I do not own my own playspace and therefore it does not make financial sense to do this. Other Mistresses use shit from the day before. I don’t usually do this unless by request.

Why do people want to become a human toilet?

From my experience, human toilets can be broken down into a couple of categories. Consider it like a Venn diagram, where some people overlap and others don’t. Most people are usually some variable combination of these categories. Please keep in mind that all of my observations are anecdotal. I typically attract a certain type of Femdom audience, and what is common for me may not be common for other Mistresses. Additionally, the way I describe these categories are not hard and fast rules – they are simply my interpretations of them. Take this with a grain of salt.

The categories are as follows:

  • Humiliation.
  • Taboo.
  • Goddess worship.
  • Ass worship.
  • Intimacy.
  • Scat fetish.

If you’re an experienced toilet or toilet top and think that I am missing out on a key category, please feel free to let me know! I’d love to hear your feedback on this.

Humiliation

This is the most common theme for the people who come to see me. Toilet play can be, as you can probably surmise, an incredibly degrading and disgusting activity.

Think about it this way: a lot of kinksters like a bit of humiliation in their BDSM. You want to know that you’re being “naughty” and “dirty” and “filthy”. You need to be punished. Scat play is an extreme extension of that desire. Scatplay is arguably one of the deepest forms of humiliation – after all, you’re getting shat on. What could be more disgusting and repulsive on your end than becoming the receptacle of human waste? How could you get any lower than lying on the floor while a Mistress takes a dump on you?

Taboo

Nearly anybody into BDSM can relate to the desire to delve into taboo. People are often into taboo activities purely because of the illicitness and stigma behind it. I see it as this way: the more we repress something, the more it shows up in more extreme ways. A dieter may deny themselves food, but may then obsess about eating for all of their waking and sleeping moments. An extremely religious person might be taught that many of their sexual desires are sinful, and then may become a nymphomaniac. Britney Spears may be told that she has to be sexy and beautiful all the time, but then may go ahead and shave off all her hair in a desperate cry against beauty norms. You get the idea. Society may tell you that something is unacceptable, and then you spend the rest of your life fantasizing about it. The moment somebody tells you no, you want it to be yes. It’s reverse psychology at its finest.

Taboo-seekers often want to push the limits of what is deemed acceptable to both themselves and others precisely because it’s looked down upon. The more extreme the activity, the better. And consuming poop can be quite an extreme activity, as you can probably imagine.

Humiliation and taboo often beget one another in this scenario. Maybe you want to be humiliated, so you partake in taboos so that you can be humiliated for it. Conversely, maybe you’re into taboos but also want to be humiliated to highlight how forbidden it is.

Goddess worship

For those that consider scat play as an uplifting activity, Goddess worship typically comes into play. If you are worshiping your Goddess, then a toilet slave who has this perspective may want to worship her in all her glory – including her shit. You may want to express your reverence for her by becoming a useful everyday item, like a toilet. Or perhaps you want to humble yourself before her (in the same way that religious devotees humble themselves by kneeling), and for you, that way of deference might be to consume the lowest of her low, her excrement. You’re adoring your Mistress when you are consuming her caviar.

Ass worship

Perhaps you’re an ass fetishist. You like touching butts, kissing butts, sniffing butts, licking and eating butts, and fucking butts. You like everything about the booty. You’ve never really quite considered scat play, but one day, you start eating ass and you realize that there’s…a little bit of shit on it. You go ahead and eat the ass, and it turns out to be quite a pleasant experience. For once, that little remnant doesn’t disgust you.

Conversely, you find yourself getting more and more turned on by it. You realize that every asshole has some amount of poop on it. You realize that part of the reason why an asshole smells the way it does is because shit passes over it. You realize that farts are really just poop air. You start connecting the dots.

One day you wake up, and you realize you want to take someone’s shit.

Ass worship can be a slippery slope. 😉

Intimacy

Many people crave intimacy with their Mistresses, and understandably so. You’re engaging in activities deigned alternative to the usual sexual experiences, so trust and understanding go a long way to creating a memorable time.

Being underneath a Goddess while she takes a load on you can be a remarkably sensual and bonding experience. You are watching her do an activity typically relegated behind closed doors. You’re up close and personal. You can see the asshole bulge out, listen to her sighs, groans, and grunts, and watch her wipe. It feels vulnerable underneath her, opening yourself up in this sort of manner. These are typically things most people do not get to experience within such an intimate and direct sort of way.

Scat fetish

By “scat fetish”, I mean a true obsession for shit itself. Not necessarily for the ass, for humiliation, or really anything else, but purely the shit as the object of desire unto itself. This is the most uncommon category in my experience.

If you’re reading this, hopefully you have an understanding of a fetish. Having a fetish doesn’t necessitate a particular reason or ideology. It just is. Some people like feet, some people like hair, some people like cars, some people like trees. Everybody is different, and fetishes can arise in literally any thinkable form.

A feces fetishist may be someone who gets turned on by excreta wherever and whenever it appears. I’ve met fetishists who get excited by dog waste on the street. I’ve met people who have saved their own shit for further use. For some, it doesn’t matter who left it – it just matters that it’s poo.

Ok, so I think I might understand hardsports now. But why do you do it?

I wish I had some more enlightened philosophical or poetic reason to give you here. I really do. But honestly? I do it because I find it hilarious. I find the whole process of shitting funny since my humor never really grew past a pubescent thirteen-year-old boy’s humor. I like potty jokes. I fart loudly and laugh at myself afterwards. All my friends know me as someone who obsessively describes the quality of my own shits…on a daily basis. I’m a doo-doo Daddy, it’s true.

The combination of my bathroom humor, my anal retentiveness, my emergency-room-level tolerance for filth, and my general self-amusement when I make people do silly things for me has resulted in the perfect coalescence of someone who likes to shit on men. It couldn’t be more fitting.

I remember I was ecstatic when I first became a Dominatrix and realized that I could get paid to shit on men. I had just heard of Scat Queen Delilah and knew I wanted to be exactly that. It took me over a year before I had my first full toilet training playtime, but when I came out of the room, I was so fucking proud of myself. I knew I immediately wanted to do it, and I wanted to do it often.

While I don’t consider myself a Scat Queen (that title only belongs to Delilah, and for good reason), I do consider myself a bit of a shit specialist – and I’m proud of it! It just goes to show that the world can be such a wacky and fascinating place.

Oh also! The hot photo is by David Zayas Jr.

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Europe Summer 2018: London, Amsterdam, Bruges

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Los Angeles Asian Dominatrix An Li with her slave in leather restraints bondage. Visiting Europe summer 2018!

Hello subbies, slaves, and sluts in Europe (and elsewhere)!

A little bit late updating on my end, but I’m quite excited about my upcoming Europe tour this summer! I’ll be visiting London, Amsterdam, and Bruges. Some of it is play, some of it is vacation, but I’m certain I’ll be having loads of fun.

I’m sure you’re eager to know when I’ll be in Europe, so here you go:
London: July 24th to July 27th
Amsterdam: July 30th to August 4th
Bruges: August 4th to August 7th

As some of you may recall, I visited London in 2016 for a whole month and had a blast! I shot with English Mansion, danced at Torture Garden, went to LAM, and made friends with all sorts of ministers in the community, from Pro-Dommes to lifestylers to everything else in between. I love London because the BDSM scene is particularly vibrant – where else can you find a four story church filled with fetish wares once a month? Outside of that, I adore London as a city. With all its parks, museums, and history, it’s the perfect balance of metropolitan life. I actually contemplated moving there after my last month there…Needless to say, I’m back and excited to do it all over again. This time, I will be attending Pedestal on July 26th, visiting the Tate Modern (contemporary art museums are my favorite) as well as the Wellcome collection, and of course hobnobbing with all the finest Pro-Dommes London has to offer. I’ll also be shooting with English Mansion yet again – I loved shooting with them last time, so fingers crossed the weather lets up for an equestrian scene of some sort!

After London, I will be taking some personal time off while I visit friends in Southwest England visiting beaches and hiking. While this is private time, I may be open to a cash meetup or two. Entice me.

Amsterdam will definitely be a bit more of a vacation after the whirlwind of London. I fully intend to immerse myself in more museums and will probably spend most of the time wandering the canals and relaxing. Of course, I will be taking a long visit to Demask headquarters! How could I not?

Finally, Bruges in Belgium will wind down the last bit of my trip. I’ve been told it’s a quieter city, which is perfectly fine by me as I am fully expecting to be exhausted by the end of my trip. I’ll be relaxing and enjoying the sights, maybe keeping a boy tied up in bondage in the hotel room while I do tourist things. 😉

I’ve been itching to leave the country for a bit, and a good mix of BDSM and European sightseeing will be a great balance. And of course, I will be taking sessions in all of these cities. Dream of being tied up in immobilized bondage in my living room while I go on a shopping trip on your credit card? Itching for a hard caning that will leave your bum sore for weeks to come? Jerk off to the fantasy of my ass on your face? Want to be cuckolded and humiliated while I fuck a real man? Crave that early morning caviar that only a Mistress like me could offer? All of this and more could be you…

Of course, early bookings are always prioritized. The earlier, the better – once I’m packed, I’m packed, and I will not be able to accommodate specific outfit or gear requests outside what I am already bringing. I will not be taking same day bookings at all while I am in town. Deposits required.

My next trip to Europe is not confirmed, however expect me back by 2020.

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li
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Can I be your slave? AKA the various types of bottoms in BDSM

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TLDR: No, and also, you probably aren’t actually a slave.

(Before you get too excited about the title, this is not a blog post about derrieres.)

Here’s the set of recent tweets that inspired this post:

And here’s the long-winded explanation. Are you ready? Ok, here we go!

As a professional Dominatrix with a not-that-small following, I get asked this question every. Single. Day. I’ve decided to embark on this blog post largely so that I can direct fawning would-be/could-be subbies to an answer that I do not need to repeatedly type over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again…you get the idea.

I think most people have an idea of what a slave is within BDSM, correct? We imagine a naked bitch on his knees, crawling around on the floor on leash and collar while being led around by a delightfully dominant women in patent leather thigh high boots and a corset, perhaps being whipped or perhaps cleaning her boots with some humiliating tongue service. Maybe he only drinks water out of a dog bowl, or maybe he’s all tied up in bondage while the Mistress has her way with his body. The variations are endless, but ultimately the basic premise is this: a submissive man enacts kinky fantasy ideals with the hot Domme who is way out of his league.

Sounds great, right? What a wonderful idea for a slave! You get to do all these perverse, nasty, kinky things with a Woman you might not otherwise be sexually affiliated with, enacting out all your deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets!

However, while the Domme may be calling you a slave in the scene, this does not necessarily mean you are a slave.

Confused already? Let’s back up a minute and go over the various designations of bottoms with BDSM.

First off, I am defining bottom as someone on the receiving end of the fetish activity, be it bondage (rope bottom), spanking (spankee), Dominance/submission (submissive or slave), sadomasochism (masochist), feeding (feedee), humiliation (bitch – I’m joking, I don’t actually know the official name of one who gets humiliated) and the list goes on and on. Not all bottoms are slaves, but all slaves are bottoms. More on that in a bit. Bottom would then be the wide umbrella category for those recipients of the activity or object, whereas the direct opposite would be a top – the facilitator of said activity or object. Rope top for bondage, spanko for spanking, Dom(me) for Dominance/submission, sadist for sadomasochism, feeder for feeding, humiliatrix for humiliation, etc.

As you are beginning to see, there are innumerable types of bottoms within BDSM and also probably more growing every day! (If you can think of it as a fetish, it probably already exists…) However, it’s crucially important to understand that there is a difference between all these categorizations. Just because I am a Dominatrix and Mistress does NOT mean that every person I play with is a slave. In fact, far from it – I would argue that the vast majority of my clients are not slave-material.

“But he likes to get beat/tied-up/fucked! Surely he must be a slave.” Not necessarily so. Perhaps he purely enjoys the adrenaline rush of pain but micro-manages the top to beat him precisely how he wants to to be beaten. Is that Dominance and submission? (This is a masochist.) Maybe he loves the sensation of being fully suspended in shibari but doesn’t really care who ties him up. (This is a rope bottom.) Or what if he just really enjoys seeing the image of women in strap-on and loves being taken from behind but doesn’t really like being told what to do? (This is a fetishist, and also a slut, ha!) Are any of these scenarios actually D/s? Just because they contain a fetish activity does not mean that there is an actual power exchange in the intent. In actuality, the bottom is the one directing the action in order to fulfill a specific fetish.

Do you see yourself in any of these? Do you find yourself trying to top from the bottom in order to fulfill a very specific fantasy of yours? Do you not care about who is doing said activity as long as they are hot and you have an ass/nylons/cock/feet/(your specific fetish here) in your face? Then the likelihood is extremely high that you are not actually a submissive nor slave.

But what if you find yourself wanting to obey under very specific situations? For example, you find yourself absolutely weak at the knees when you see a fit woman in workout gear and will do practically anything she says. As another example, you put on a sensory deprivation hood and immediately fall under subspace, pliable and willing to do whatever it takes to please the one controlling your vision. And yet another example, you automatically obey anyone who takes on a stern-yet-nurturing Mommy-type role with you. And as a final example, during sex, you always let the woman take control.

In all these situations of obeisance under specific criteria, I would then define you as a submissive (perhaps with fetishistic/masochistic/whatever leanings). You are willing to submit to the right person at the right time with the correct environmental or social impetus, an impetus that is defined purely by your personal preferences. For the first example, the impetus is workout gear. For the second example, the impetus is sensory deprivation/bondage. For the third example, the impetus is a Mommy. For the fourth example, the impetus is sex (and your dumb boner).

Are you starting to get a feel for where I’m headed? No? Ok.

Here’s where we get into the nitty gritty of how I personally define the difference between a submissive and slave. A true slave exists a little further down on the spectrum of submission. A true slave does not need any impetus outside of the pure joy of serving a Mistress. Sure, you may be submissive, but if your submission comes with conditions – conditions that are not conducive towards me or whichever Mistress from which you are requesting attention – then is that truly a Total Power Exchange (TPE)? A mistress cannot be expected to live out her entire life under your conditions just to have your submission. You cannot expect to see her dressed up in fetish gear and enacting your specific fantasy 24/7 just so you can feel all lightheaded and woozy in desire – because once she’s no longer a figment of your fantasy, would you serve her? Would you be willing to do “whatever she wants” when she’s in her sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt sitting on the couch watching cartoons? Would you be willing to do “whatever she wants” when what she’s asking for does not align with your idea of a sexy fun time, like scrubbing the bathroom tile with a toothbrush? And would you be willing to do “whatever she wants” even if you know you have to actually work hard and dedicate actual time (like – gasp! – a job!) to do it?

If your answer to all those previous questions is yes, then congratulations! You are a slave. You are submissive under your Mistress’ personal specifications, even if they don’t give you a boner. You understand that the Mistress has a life of her own that does not exist within your specific fantasies, and you still adore and obey her nonetheless. You are happy to submit to her even when the going gets rough because you know your happiness is truly your Mistress’ happiness. You are far and few, and I enjoy you quite a bit.

A caveat: a person can be submissive to one Mistress and slave to another. D/s is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Everybody’s personal interactions are unique and different throughout time and space. Maybe you’ve found a Mistress (Let’s call her Miss A) whose personal fetishes – the things she is naturally predisposed to in her private life – are truly your personal fetishes and you are a match made in BDSM heaven. Say it’s foot worship – you’ve always needed foot worship to feel submissive, and Miss A genuinely gets off on a good foot rub. In which case, you might be the ideal slave for her! After all, she always has your impetus at hand (or foot 😉 ), and to her, she’s not catering to you at all but rather fulfilling her own fantasies. Both party’s desires are perfectly compatible and conducive towards a blossoming power dynamic. But say you approach another Mistress (Miss B) and tell her that you served Miss A. Miss B takes you on, but it turns out she absolutely hates foot worship and finds you a reprehensible slave because you insist on worshiping her feet each time. Turns out that you have always been on the more submissive side, but with the right relationship with Miss A, you were a slave. Go figure!

Now I’m not telling you to go out and be a slave for every Mistress. Far from it. Attraction and respect are important, and if you were a slave for every woman you met on the street, I would probably call you a pushover with poor standards 😂😂😂 An inherent attraction and connection to your Mistress is important because it develops rapport and trust – and only through that can true growth happen. (And you do want true growth, right? Did you expect to be the same person you were at the end of a D/s relationship?) It’s perfectly alright to not be a slave for everyone, and I won’t think any of less of you for it. Different strokes for different folks, after all.

Additionally, despite being a true slave, you are also allowed to have boundaries (…depending on who your top is). I mean, we do live in reality, and for most, 24/7 slavery is a pipe dream because at some point we’ve all got vanilla obligations. Only when your “boundaries” are actually defining factors for how the scene runs (IE: asking your Mistress to be in leather at all times is not a boundary but a preference) do you stop falling under the category of a slave. Make sense?

Another caveat: these designations are not hard and fast because we are all (for the most part) multi-faceted people. A slave can also be a fetishist , a power bottom can have submissive leanings, etc. You get the idea.

In fact, if by the end of this, you realize that you are not a slave, that is totally fine as well! BDSM should be inclusionary and we all have different niches that we fill – there will always be someone whose needs may align well with yours, be they slave, submissive, power bottom, fetishist, masochist, whatever. I personally hold no ill will to anybody who doesn’t identify as a slave, because sometimes I don’t feel like being purely a Dominant (I know, gasp gasp – but don’t get it twisted, I am always a top). Everybody goes to fetish providers for various reasons, neither being particularly better than the other, but it is helpful to know where you stand within the wide spectrum of BDSM designations so that you may better inform the Dominatrix with whom you’d like to play.

So what did we learn today?

Not all submissives are slaves. All slaves are submissives. All slaves and submissives are bottoms. Slaves are those who will submit to their Dominant in full (or as full as reality lets them), regardless of whether it gets their personal rocks off or not. Submissives are those that have criteria towards what makes them feel submissive to their dominant.

Got it. Good. Now that you’ve got that all settled up, you’ll be fully prepared to answer your designation should anyone ask this of you! (And if you are applying for a session with me, it’s right there in the form, so shame on you if you are still lost after reading this…)


Did something about this article pique your interest? Want to learn more about me?

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li
Blog

Now introducing…domination specials for practice dummies!

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I know, I know. I have always said that domination is a luxury and that I will never do special rates for anybody or any activity. I still believe it, however…there are always activities I would love more practice on!

Given that my personal practice interests tend to be on the heavier side of things, I don’t get as much play and practice with these activities as I would like and am now offering specials to be my test dummies for a couple of specific activities. These activities are currently single-tail whippingsuturing (medical play), and rope suspension bondage. From month to month, I may change up which activities are available for practice dummy rates depending on my mood or comfort with these activities.

So here’s what you probably want to know the most: how much of a discount is it? These sessions will be a whopping $100 off the hourly tribute (which, if you have sessioned with me, you will know is quite a significant price difference).

Here are the requirements to fall under test dummy session:

  1. The session must consist solely of the single activity you have requested. This means it will be entirely single-tail whipping, or entirely suturing, or entirely rope suspension bondage. There will be no variant or multiples upon these activities (ie: I will not do a session of both whipping or suturing, or whipping and rope suspension, etc.)
  2. The session does not involve any other fetish activities or requests. Anything additional will fall in the realm of standard session, and therefore, tributed like a standard session.
  3. The session is a one-hour minimum session.

A caveat: since these are purely practice dummy sessions, I will not be dressing up in fancy domination gear as this is my own personal practice time. It will just be me, wonderfully plain ol’ me in street clothes and my devious self. And also, to reiterate: I will not be accepting any requests for fetishes outside of the prescribed test dummy activities as the session will immediately become normally tributed.

Since these are heavier sessions, please ensure that you are in good health before enquiring about these specific activities. Should you safeword out of practice dummy-ing, the session will end at my discretion. I have no intention of wasting my time by  going lightly (particularly with single-tailing).

Here are some more details on what I’m looking for in practice dummy applicants:

  • Single-tail whipping: high pain tolerance (or the willingness to reach that 😉 ), no previous issues with fainting or epilepsy, ability to take marks on back, ass, and genitalia
  • Suturing: high pain tolerance for needles, ability to take sutures on genitalia/crotch region, chest/belly, and although not necessarily, would love to be able to suture your lips! If you are open to suturing in even more areas (hands, toes, whatever), even better. I will be removing the sutures at the end. Obviously, no fear of needles…
  • Rope suspension bondage: flexible with no joint or mobility issues. Please stretch thoroughly before coming to see me.

I may be referring to videos, my phone, or books for guidance during these practice dummy specials. This is, after all, a practice session. I am merely using your body for my suitable purposes. What this should also alert to you is that again, this is not a standard session. I will not be seducing you or engaging with you in any way outside of what is necessary within my practice. It will be informal, and we may chat a bit. Again, I reiterate that this is not a standard session.

That’s it for now! Should I think of anything else to add on to my requirements or limitations, I will be editing this post at a later date. Standard booking procedure applies.

Sounds like this is up your alley? Well then, I’m looking forward to using your flesh…

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li
Travel

Thanksgiving doubles with Domina Yuki in SF/OAK

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I’m excited to announce doubles with Domina Yuki in San Francisco and Oakland from November 21st to 26th for my upcoming fall trip to the Bay Area!

I first met Domina Yuki earlier this year, after a seemingly endless amount of correspondence while we tried to meet up each time I was in the Bay Area. I’m glad we finally did as we had been following each other on Twitter and admiring each other’s work for quite some time. Upon meeting, we both realized we had a very shared history in numerous ways…but that is a story for another time.

For those not in the know, Domina Yuki is a well-established presence in the Bay Area Femdom scene, having been a practitioner of Female Domination for a decade. Her skillset is vast and confident, and I’m excited to play with her as our interests are remarkably similar! We are both sensory overload gearheads with predilections for bondage of all sorts and a natural proclivity towards sadism. We both attest to the merits of female supremacy. We both have wicked wardrobes. And of course, we both love subjugating men under our heels through whatever means necessary! I cannot wait to see what sorts of predicaments we trap our slaves with – and I am certain we will be giggling in delight the entire time.

For those lucky to have played with both of us, now is your chance to partake in a devilishly doubles delight. Our interests are not limited to those listed above – from a sensual seduction to a strict savagery, part of the fun in Domination is our protean manipulation to bring you down to a quivering mess. Tell us your secrets, and we’ll show you how deep that rabbithole goes…

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li
Travel

London BDSM Sessions

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London!

I have arrived in you safe and sound (and a little bit wet), and I am ready to put you in your place. I will be in town for a little over a month, taking appointments from Thursday, June 16th, to Saturday, July 16th – plenty of time for you to get your fix more than once. I will be holding sessions in or adjacent to Central London at assorted private playspaces. Please note that, per usual, I will be require deposits for all sessions.

For the first half of My stay in June, I am being hosted by Asian Goddess Maya Liyer. We will be shooting and taking double sessions, as well as exploring the city together. Inquire via My contact page about how you may enhance My stay and serve Us.

Let’s not forget about July – For the second half of My stay, I will be hosted by Mistress Evilyne, hardsports Domina extraordinaire! Scat Queens unite! Perhaps you will be lucky enough to submit underneath Us as Our personal toilet. Dream of having two Goddesses use you for Our excretory entertainment? Now is the time…

And for the entirety of the month, I will be exploring London and its illustrious BDSM social scene. Fancy taking Me out for a nice dinner and a night on the town? Outcall social sessions are also available upon request. Spoil and lavish Me for a night you surely will not forget. And how could you? A Mistress like Me is not all too common…

You may get in touch with Me via Niteflirt (1-800-863-5478 ext: 10251003) or My new London appointment line, 07427915751. Please note that for the latter, this line is only available for session inquiries  from 9AM to 9PM. Any further chit chat is to be conducted through My tributed Niteflirt line.

Let’s make My first London trip a memorable one.

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li
Travel

East Coast & Europe Travels

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Darling submissives, slaves, masochists, fetishists, and lurky-lurks –

East Coast spring sessions are coming up in a little over a week! I am taking My inaugural trip to Washington, D.C. from April 26th to May 2nd, and then hopping on over to New York City from May 3rd to May 10th. Two whole weeks on the other side of the States…take it in while you can.

As it is My first time traveling DC, I am highly encouraging public dining and play sessions. An evening or afternoon of fine dining and wining, followed by private play at My space – what could be more memorable?

I will be taking my sessions at a private space in Bloomingdale, Washington DC, right in the heart of the district.

For NYC, I will be taking My sessions in Manhattan at Parthenon close to Herald Square, as well as another private space to be announced.

And of course, let’s not forget London! I will be flying over to the other side of the pond to the United Kingdom from June 15th to July 15th – one entire month of sessions in Europe! I will be taking My sessions at various playspaces throughout the city, and am currently leaning towards Hoxton Dungeon Suites for most of My playtimes. I am also open to suggestions. Again, since it will be My first time in London, I am also highly encouraging dine and play sessions. Take Me out and show Me around a new city.

Please alert Me of all your special requests as early as possible. While I’d love to carry all My gear wherever I go, I do have to pack relatively efficiently. Any unique needs should be noted and packed as early as possible.

I can’t wait and am absolutely tingling with excitement at all the deviousness to come!

Book your session now.

xoxo Never yours,
An Li