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Things men want up their bums

I had a highly entertaining NiteFlirt phone call yesterday.

When people call me telling me their fetish is unusual, I’m typically quite dismissive of it. I am a Dominatrix, after all. I do weird shit for a living. I’ve made a full circle in regards to what I find strange, and now find that the most vanilla things are the most bizarre, and the kinkiest things are of utmost normality. I’m not easily phased.

So he warned me that his predilections were…unusual, and of course, I didn’t believe him. He had a bit of a heavy accent, so I had some trouble understanding him initially. We both spoke very slowly while I tried to suss out exactly he was into. There were a lot of moments of me repeating what he said to make sure I heard correctly.

He told me he liked bondage.
I said, “Cool, bondage is one of my favorites.”
He told me he like forced bi.
I said, “Cool, I do that all the time.”
He said he was into food.
“Like sploshing?”, I asked.
“No, like feeding,” he said.
“What do you like to be fed?”
“Eggs.”
I had to double-check what I heard. “Eggs?”
“Yes, eggs.”
“Like hard-boiled eggs?”
“Yes, eggs.”
“What is it about eggs that you like so much?”
“They’re hard to eat.”

Yes, like these kinds of eggs. Eggs!

I laughed because I thought of all the times I ate a hard-boiled egg too quickly (I eat largely vegetarian at home and always have eggs on hand). The feeling of the pasty egg yolk caught in your throat while peristalsis stubbornly tries to push it down. The hiccups. That big lump in your esophagus. I could relate. Eating eggs can be quite difficult.

But more than that, he wanted to be force fed eggs, and he wanted eggs shoved up his asshole. He’d only taken four at a time up his bum before, but I told him I was certain he could take more. He wanted to eat both hard-boiled and raw eggs with the shell on while being fucked in the ass by a trans woman. He wanted to be tied up so he had no choice but to take…the eggs.

I told him he could probably do one better: first have eggs stuffed up his bum, then have the trans woman fuck the eggs deeper in while I hand fed him eggs into his mouth, then stuff more eggs up his bum while I forced even more eggs in his mouth, progressively filling up both holes more and more in this vicious cycle. And finally, the woman would cum inside his eggy mouth for the ultimate omelet (obviously).

It was all very nasty, very bizarre, and very…egg-shaped. I was laughing the whole time.

Eggs. Are they the most disgusting form of feeder/feedee fetish? Maybe? Probably? Definitely.

This entire interaction had me thinking about all the things dumb men shove up their assholes in moments of horny desperation. (In fact, Clips4Sale has an entire category dedicated to this phenomenon called “Odd Insertions”.) Of course, there are the obvious ones: carrots, eggplants, italian squash, cucumbers. But why stop at phallic shapes? Why not get creative? The world is truly your oyster (or perhaps your asshole is the oyster) when it comes to penetrating your own anus.

Why not Lego men if you’re feeling kinda gay? Toy trucks if you’ve got a pedal pushing fetish? A giant pacifier if you’re a slutty diaper lover? A tree branch if you want to be one with nature? A small broom if you need to clean the house? Or go classic with a knob of ginger for that fiery experience? They don’t call it a knob for nothing, you know.

And you know what? I’m 100% certain that some of you readers have tried some of these objects inside of yourselves before. Bravo to horny male ingenuity, brave stupidity, or something like that. Desires like these are exactly what allow Dominatrices to make thriving careers for ourselves. Keep on sticking things in your ass that don’t belong there and succumbing to the futility that is your male libido. It sure as hell makes good entertainment for us!

One of my good vanilla friends is an ER nurse. I’ve occasionally consulted him on medical procedures for personal and professional interests. We’ve joked that our jobs are practically the same thing – getting accidentally shat on, pissed on, bled on, and shoving all sorts of implements all across the human body. But most notably? He spends a lot of time taking random objects out of men’s assholes. As of this point, very few things phase him.

I should probably ask him if he’s ever removed a full egg out of someone’s ass before.

I’m not a nurse, but I do play one in the dungeon!

Hot strap-on/pegging picture from English Mansion last year! With Mistresses Sidonia Von Bork and Lola Ruin.

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