travel ✈︎
sf/bay feb12 - 13
Femdom BDSM Blog · Daddy An Li · Los Angeles BDSM Mistress

“You’re a lot more approachable now.”

I was shooting whipping clips last week with one of my longterm whipping slaves, g. He’s known me for over five years now, and I’ve shot the majority of my corporal punishment videos with him. He comes to my personal home and I use him as a whipping boy to practice aiming and different techniques. Our usual routine is whipping practice or shooting clips and then going out to get smoothies and chatting afterwards (because aftercare or something). I’d like to think we have a good relationship. After all, I don’t invite many slaves into my personal home for no reason! The fact that he’s a tank with corporal punishment isn’t too shabby either. 😉

After our extremely brutal shoot (you bitches are going to cream your pants watching these, so keep a lookout for them), I asked him how I’ve changed in my years as a Pro-Domme. After all, he’s known me from right about the time that I started to now in the present day. He’s been consistently in my life more than 95% of my submissives.

He said to me, quite succinctly, “You’re a lot more approachable now.”

I laughed because I was 100% certain he was correct. Slaves aren’t usually correct, but this was an exception. 😉

I’ve been thinking about what it means to change as a Domme. And in particular, I’ve been thinking a lot about the Dunning-Kruger effect. (There’s a great This American Life about it. Check it out here.)

Not my own picture, but you get the idea.

More colloquially, Dommes know this phenomenon as “Baby Domme Syndrome”.

When we start out as Dommes, the excitement of digging into this empowering, seedy underworld is overwhelming. That, on top of the fact that people are literally paying to worship us – well, it can lead to a bit of overconfidence. And while many Dommes do have the natural instinct towards domination, that doesn’t mean it’s refined or accurate yet. Let’s just call it more of a tendency than a true skill as of that point.

My first years as a Dominatrix were a headrush. I definitely got tipsy with power, and I definitely thought I was the All-Knowing Creator of FemDom. I wasn’t, of course. But man, how could I not believe I was the best Dominatrix in the world when people were calling me on NiteFlirt telling me that they had never seen anyone as Dominant as me, telling me that I was so much better than everybody else, telling me that they only wanted to be my slave and nobody else’s?

And with that ego, I developed a coldness. A perpetual sneer, you could call it. Slaves were slaves, and to be treated like such. Let none of these sniveling bitches in, and who even needs aftercare? Do slaves even deserve aftercare? Don’t talk to them, don’t even look in their direction unless you are making them cry. I am better than any other person in the world, and I’m most certainly better than a slave.

I can still look unapproachable if I want to. 💃 PC: Daniel Anton NYC

All of this is fun and true in the right scene, but highly unsustainable in life. It’s definitely unsustainable in my lifestyle! I’m happy to say that all of my slaves are also my friends. Sure, some of them are jackass, idiot friends, but you know how that goes…

Long story short, I was humbled many, many times throughout my beginning years. I still am humbled now! But whereas the humility was earth-shattering the first dozen of times, I now take it in stride as a learning experience. Everything is a learning experience.

While a couple of years ago, I would have been offended by someone describing me as approachable (in both work and life), I quite enjoy it now. I think it’s important to be able to let people into my life (with acceptable boundaries, of course). And in turn, having a connection with all my subs means our scenes can be so much more intense and meaningful. I like that. It truly feels like I am making a difference in someone’s life.

This is not to say that I don’t enjoy being a MegaBitch™. Quite the contrary – having a connection with my bottoms means that I can twist and use all their intimate bits even better! Whereas I once saw approachability as being weakness in a Domme, I now see it, in part, as a tool to manipulate my bitches even more. How ironic is that? Perhaps I should change my motto to “Vulnerability is the true path to Brutality”.

But more than that, I think about how I have progressed as a Mistress. I take everything a lot less seriously now. I have a lot more ease about what I do. If something (or someone) doesn’t go to plan, I have the resources to laugh about it now. I know that I know a decent amount, and I also know that I know not so much, so it’s a relief to not be held accountable for the entire compendium of BDSM knowledge. It leaves me open to more learning.

Just some thoughts today.

In other news, Eyes Wide Shut is tonight! Y’all know it’s my favorite play party, as I have espoused before. I’m excited to attend tonight. Tonight will be the usual round-up of babely Domme superstars, including Aiden Starr, Eden Winter, Jewell Marceau, Helena Locke, Sheri Darling, Skin Diamond, Porcelain Midnight, Bettie Bondage, Aine Patrick, as well as Katarina Fox and special guest Monday Jones visiting from Seattle!

Are your panties wet yet?

Hope to see some of you there. Come say hi to me because I’m approachable now. 😉

Finally, for general scheduling updates, I’ll be out of town the following week from Thursday to Monday (August 22nd-26th). I’m going backpacking in the Grand Canyon!

Those of you who have tried to schedule with me on the weekend know how notoriously hard it is to do so. A Mistress needs days off, too. Expect me to be entirely off the grid during this period of time. Daddy loves her cyber-free vacations.

Yellow background photo by David Zayas Jr.!